just some stuff

exam is one day away and im already getting excited for holidays…typical… exam is one day away and i havent revise…typical. i do this every fucking year…

i dun even noe why im writing when ive got nothing to write about. i dunno. i guess this blog is starting to feel like that imitation tamagochi that i had a long time ago. im no longer interested in it, but somehow i felt that i have a sense of duty to keep it alive and running.

hmmm. past week went by in a flash. all i remember is i religiously filled them up with sleep, vitasoy, tv and project. in that order. hahhaha. talking about project i seriously feel that work load is not distributed evenly this time around. and this sem looks quite bleak for me. i wish i can repeat this whole year all over again. had one particularly disgusting chauvinistic being as a lecturer, one irritating new friend and two tuition jobs. friendship wise, i guess my love for certain people have deepened. whilst some i have intentionally disregard. love life. stable. may be boring at times but i cant deny not loving that man.

tuition has been quite fulfilling. i see some improvement with the girls. hmm. and the $200 bucks for 4 lessons is quite yummy too.  

as for my faith, its not looking too good. actually i can say its the biggest disappointment in my life. im even too embarrased to lay it out in words…i need to do smth about it. fast.

[confessed, but not reformed]

just a sour taste in my mouth

thought of the stuff i wanna write in the train.

feeling exactly wad MS said she was feeling during dinner. Like this sadness settling all over me. forlorn? ugh. whatever it is i feel miserable. quite miserable. and unlike MS, i cant put the blame to period. cos mine baru habis.

had a distasteful accounter with the HEAD today. UNprofessional bastard. they might as well seize his AP from his title and replace it with UP-UR-S in. bloody unfair. he is first and foremost within the walls of the class or lecture hall, an EDUCATOR. not some Grassroot member, not some Town Council chairman committee, not PAP die-hard supporter. he delivers his opinions in fucking condescending tones all the time.  IF his comments are valid, or of a certain worth, credibilty, lain cerite. ni HABOK pun takde.  its as if every time he spoke, he has to ensure that he brings across the point that he is superior and everyone is beneath him. he seem to ensure that his presence MUST be accompanied with at least one victimised poor soul. he has to slander at least one person. seriously what has he achieved in his life that he is all snooty-tooty. unjustified arrogance.

bodoh bahlul kecidol. sial la. theres like 16 groups presenting on issues of Town Council. 16 fucking issues. they are not of equal difficulty. not fair. i mean SERIOUSLY. some topics can smoke thru…like upgrading, public relations, littering, abuse of public properties. take alot of pictures and  fund management u need INSIDER info. TRANSPARENCY my ass la….so my group had the curse of getting FUND MANAGEMENT. which is management of funds am i right? so we present on the management la. the focus is the management. not take one particular fund and focus on it, put some ears and glitter on it, add a jingle and present the damn joke and end it with striptease and some can can. he credit presentations with cheap gimmicks  that include injections of hokkien dialect jokes, bad acting and stupid interviews. like some circus show. look, THAT is not creativity. THAT is cheap bad taste. look, fine. theres effort la, to inclue videos, reenact scenes, some ‘entertaining’ skit.  but whatever manner but u present, however unconventional approach u take, the fundamental thing is CONTENT must be there. most skits i watched had not much content. what they had much of was cheap comic relief, and some done in bad taste. ok fine. few grps did well. their points still manage to permeate out.  SJ’s grp did an excellent simulation of some debate talk show. they were creative with a degree of sophistication. SOPHISTICATION. how the fuckdoes he want us to be creative with presenting FUND MANAGEMENT.its numbers, its income statements, its sensitive matters.. what.. one, two, three, four, HI-FUND…bloody hell. fine, we could have been more creative. we COULD have simulated a debate. or smth.

and since when has the main objective of a UNIVERSITY presentation is to ENTERTAIN the fucking chauvinistic prof. NEVER. since when is the good old fashion presentation bad. im so angry at this and the worst thing is there is no avenue to fight back, to retort, to punch his god-damned face and stuff his smirk into his asshole. aaarrrggghhh. im getting even angrier cos i cant insult him properly. limited vocab.

ok. Jas cried today. i saw the rush of blood to her endearing face. i saw tears brimming, threatening to moist those sweet cheeks. uughh. it was so…heart-breaking? im not sure what i felt but i din like it. i swear i thot sbdy died. she trembled and cried and its so painful to watch but u cant tear ur eyes off her. i think cos shes almost like the baby in the group. not in a bad way, but in that protective way. immediately she appeared (to me) to be some kid that got bullied by fate. uuuggh. din like it. well it turns out, her mom went to hosp, got a jab and now staying at the aunts hse. hope she get well soon. i wudnt have cried if it happened to me. which makes her so freaking cute that she over reacted that way.

i have had enough

uuggghh… ive had enough of projects. and enough of lousy grp mates. granted, in my almost 3 yrs in RE ive been blessed with good friends and mostly hardworking project grp mates. but one of us went on exchange, we had to work with a newcomer. i have tried my very best to be nice and sweet and understanding to her bossy demands, and ludicrous agendas, and keep my opinions to myself and not intentionally hurt the person that pisses me off.. i know the real me isnt. im known for shooting my mouth of, speaking my mind, well more of speaking my heart..cos usually i dun think before i shoot my mouth. but race is a big factor in sch for me. i have held back so much these years, cos i dun wanna be known for that malay girl whos only gd for being loudmouthed and bitchy but never really do work or leech or freeloader. i know im lazy and i know being malay and to succeed i gotta work harder than the rest. but i cant. i dun have that strength or that talent to work harder and smarter than everyone. so, i know i have to maintain low profile, be a that quiet team player who do wad u r told, make constructive opinions now and then and basically dun be the main character in any drama. cos publicity is bad. but sometimes it gets to me… its hard not being urself.i remember that day when i was not feeling too dandy cos of the fight i have with my mom. my thoughts were heavy with the scenes of our fights, and her tears. my heartache. my determination to make things right. my aunt. i was feeling horrible. but instead of resting, squeezing last traces of any tears, clearing my thoughts in a quiet corner and enjoying that intoxicating ciggy, i had a damn project meeting which i was so fucking not interested. it took a huge amt of effort to maintain my facial expression. to look fine. to ensure i can pass off a look that dont promise a “are u ok” question frm my friends later. cos i hate questions like that. i pulled thru. but i felt like shit. crappy century-yr-old shit. sometimes, i feel im losing it. me, my essence, my character…is slowly fadding away frm me. i cant get in touch with her as easily as i used to. ive been so hard on trying to maintain a new character, i have begun to lose my original one. im crapping. but maybe…im not losing..but learning…moulding. growing. maybe its better to embrace this quieter sweeter version of me. maybe its not so bad… 

on another issue. i think yet again ive managed to piss off a fren. i asked my frens are they together yet. i dont understand their relationship. and i dont have a high regard for it because i think commitment is impt. i dunno. its like i get cohabitation. in fact i welcome the idea of living together without that piece of paper that registers you and your partner as legal in the eyes of the social normality. but i believe though marriage may be unnecessary, committment cannot be absent no matter how ‘modern’ or open minded you wanna live ur life. because this involves integrity.

my two friends. they flirt with each other and love each other. they call themselves ‘best friends’ but i know one is IN LOVE with the other. the other one knows of this fact. yet, chooses to acknowledge it but disregard it. and still continue with this ‘best friend’ guise. i know its not my place. ppl say they dun judge but thats a bunch of bullshit. humans cannot remove that instinct of not judging. i judge. and i dun like it. its wrong. its wrong knowing sbdy loves you, yet tell her you cant have that sort of relationship with her, but still practicising that lifestyle where she can feed her emotions for you. thats PLAYING her.thats not respecting her enough. thats being fucking selfish. just because its not a normal relationship, meaning a guy and a girl, doesnt mean the rules are different. if u are playing someone , you are an asshole,  no matter if shes suppose to be a man but shes not! so wad, you can ambiguously flirt all u want under the pathetic pretension of platonic relationship, then one day when u find a male lover, then you decide to render your previous relationship unquestionably just friends. wont her friend feel like shit? cheated? fuck. i know they wanna treasure the friendship. i mean i think they are best friends before lovers. but the u gotta set things straight. you gotta put some boundaries, let time brush away the uninvited feelings completely,dun allow any possibilities or hints of “love”, thenmove on frm there. not flirt, and feed the relationship but put a label on it that says “not lovers, ‘just’ best friends”. if that works, i should fuck ard and put a label on myself “not whore, ’just’ experimenting” ..wud anyone buy it? they fucking wont. and it all boils down to respect. no respect for any other person other than themselves. yet its not surprising as time and again she’s showed herself as someone who is rather spineless.  urgh. i am absolutely disgusted at how they are treating this. i dont fucking give a shit if ive hurt her. i dont even feel i need to apologise because i truly believe she deserves it. if she feels shes been maligned so be it. the words that came from my mouth werent untruths. i might have been malicious, but considering the pain she has inflicted on her ‘best friend’ due to her cowardice and selfishness is far greater that my injurious words on her. she fucking need to grow up instead of thinking everything else will settle by themselves without any proactive efforts from her part. you gotta LIVE ur life. not have other ppl do it for you to waltz thru it. ive never met someone so spoilt. and useless.

so u wanna say “dont”. u shud tell urself “DONT be a fucking wuss”

[confessed, but not reformed]

 

confessions of a 12 yr old girl

i was reading my friend’s thoughts through their blogs. their concerns of their future, happenings of their life. sometimes their words spoke with a degree of gravity, sometimes a touch of pain or grief, sometimes hints of frustration or anger, confusions, their questions …and sometimes a catharsis, purging of emotions…

somehow, though i sympathise, and at better times i empathise, today i realised most illustrations of the bitterness of their lives seem rather insignificant, almost frivolous. i quietly acknowledge the fact that some of my friends are privileged. the tj half. not obscenely rich or spoilt or trouble free. but im pretty sure most have not experienced the troubles and pains of a dysfunctional low income malay family. sure they have their problems and sure, i know people do not actually display their troubles on billboards for all to see. hence i cant proclaim their troubles to be inferior to mine or my other frens. i may be prejudiced without reason, but somehow it feels that way. i have always felt they lead better lives than me and my other non-jc frens. 

the reason that i mentioned this is because of today’s episode. today i saw real pain, real sorrows. from the eyes of a twelve year old girl. i was tutoring her, going over useless problem sums, smth about speed. distance over time gives you speed..smth she wont ever need to use in her life… then we heard her mom, my aunt scolding the rest of the kids in the other room. its not the scolding, its the voice, its the pain behind the voice. i am ten years older than her, yet i could not bear staying in her house any longer. amidst the shoutings, the crying, the frustrations hanging so thick in the air. all signs of cracks within the family. and the voice of a pained mother, wife. i am all too familiar with that voice. memories came rushing in, my mom’s silhouette by window, as she sobbed as softly as she could, towards the night sky. every night.

my cousin froze. but her fingers gripped her pen so tightly. her eyes stared at her book but i knew that they had brought her mind to a bitter place. her knuckles turned white. i know it is cliche but it really happened. we paused for 5 mins, listening to the comotion. listening to my aunts shoutings.

i wanted to grab my bag and vacate the flat as soon as possible. i wanted to do what i know best. i wanted to run away. but i cant because there are three children in the house that i care about. my aunt was screaming. but the thing that hurt my ears and my heart wasnt how loud it was. it was beneath that voice. so clear. there was pain in my aunts voice. and desperation. it was so distinctive to me. i could detect it almost immediately. then my heart broke when i saw my cousin’s face. her facial expression froze as if it was stuck in time. yet her eyes showed so much. i remember them as almost glassy. like looking into a room through a translucent jelly. like the whole chronicles of her life there right in her eyes. i remember swallowing hard. i din know how to react, to behave, to console. ive never felt so useless. here i am, her eldest cousin, the famous kaklong in the family. the favourite grandchild, the strong daughter, the smart one who made the right choices in life, the girl who didnt succumb to the fate of many malay girls of broken families. my family held me in high regard. i know that. but today at that very second, i din know wad to do. i didnt know how to tell her “its ok. its hard now, its painful now. just cry. let it out. life will get better. it will. it just will”  I FUCKING DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO. and i hate myself for that. hate hate it.

i should have hugged her. i should have. i should have let her cry on my chest and perhaps cry with her. i know that willl her feel better.i know it, cos thats what i wanted a long time ago. but i didnt. instead i held her shoulder and asked her “are u ok”…i wanted to kick myself when i heard myself say it. shes fucking 12 you idiot!!! right there and then i realised i am not close enough with my cousins. i am not emotionally confident. if it was close dear friend, i would have not been as clueless as what to do. she was tight lipped. she gave me a tiny nod. immediately i see her older than she need to be. she is feeling more than she need to be feeling.

i hate fate. i hate that my family has to go through this situation over and over again. i cant even count how many times it has happened on my dads side. and my mom’s…already 3 families have been hit. i HATE that i see one by one of my cousis gg through what i did years ago. and i see them failing. i see them getting distracted by the problems their family is facing. i see them finding all sorts of ways to soothe their pain. they might not burt in tears as easily as i do, but i see it. that quiet strength, shield, so desperately attempting to hide, to deny…i hate fate. there are days when i curse god for this. i have shed so much tears, seen my own dear mummy, and abah, and nenek shed so much tears… why do more ppl have to suffer terrible fates. why my family. why not my fucking jc frens who have only enough respect for themselves and their ‘best friends’. why cant god be fair. if he wanna inject pain, why cant he distribute it evenly. why a larger proportion to me, my family. i hate life. i hate reality. i hate tears. hate. hate hate them.

i know within months her parents will decide they have had enough and choose the easy way out and sign for divorce. i knew it. i knew it when it was about to happen to me, i knew it when it was about to happen to my uncle. now i know it will happen to her. she has four kids. FOUR. why din she think of family planning years ago. why din she choose a better husband. why din she call it quits when her husband hurt her first kid. why the fuck did she let it come to this. why the fuck did i decide to ignore it last time.

i am so fucking angry with the way things are now. and so fucking sad. again. again the tears have to fall.

i know how i survived. i was selfish. i didnt want to care about my mom’s mistakes, i didnt want to care about my fucking dad. all i cared was me. i know now, after years of reflections, that i detached myself from the reality. i would be beaten so bad the night before, yet come to school smiling, laughing, playing catching and zeropoint the next day. because i didnt let myself feel. once, when my counsellor tried to make me feel, reflect, i sensed my real vulnerability, i never came back. she repeatedly called me back for counselling. but i refused. teachers den stopped asking me to go for her sessions cos my grades were good. I was good. so why cant my cousins be selfish. why not.

i thought i was strong. ppl thought i was strong. my mom, my family thought i was strong. yet the topic of divorce can crumble me into a pile of weeping crap within seconds. i did what selfish me wanna do. dun care about the rest world.

my cousins are less selfish. they decide to care. and now, they are struggling. all of them. and im not doing anything. i cant do anything.

i couldnt teach today. i just cant. tutoring seemed so insignificant. i wished i had come years ago. tutored her and fiqah years ago.be there regularly in their lives.  i know fiqah is more like me. she doesnt care as much as yana. she is like me. she even look like me. but i see her pain once in awhile. while she ate, slowly, thinking in silent. her eyes distant and her thoughts deep. she sighed when things gets noisy in the house.  did i look like that a long time ago?

what will happen to them. will their lives turn out like mine? i hope they will. im better now. much better. i think. i just want them to be better. just better……..

[confessed, but not reformed]

the revelation of anger

anger. such a powerful emotion. its almost like a terrible curse that metamorphorse you into the ugliest creature you can ever be. you will open doors for the devil. you’ll want spew out the most hateful words, you’ll desire to inflict pain on the one that hurt you in the first place, and if you see her writhing in discomfort or any form of misfortune, you expect to feel an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. serve you right, fucking bitch. 

in this sordid revolting picture, i have discovered a most beneficial quality of anger. anger unearths your true pains. Pains that have been inflicted on you that you have been persistently trying to hide and forget. anger discloses my true feelings, my true thoughts. anger exposes my real opinions. anger shatters my glass wall of denial. anger is one helluva bucket of cold water splashing onto my face, cleansing myself from the dirty fake masquerade. purifying me from my pathetic pretension, that ‘i-am-ok-with-that’. fuck.

fuck you. you conceited bitch. i blamed the conditioning of your life, the variables and conditions that exist. that inevitably influence on the way you turn out. now ive seen with clearer heart, that its not your life. its your heart, soul. your black selfish, insensitive heart that refuses to feel and respect anybody else but your damn self. you only allow space for your own needs, your desires, your obsessions. guilt, for you is nothing but an idealogy that you create, to feign compassion. you construct your deceit through a play of words, wax lyricals of your empathy, when there were none. you lied. no matter how literature can save your image, paint you into a sensitive reflective soul, your actions exposes the heartless bitch that you are.

i shall be beguiled by you no further.

i hate you.

[confessed, but not reformed]