the whole day yesterday my head had been bengang…dunno if its cos of an impending fever cos i got myself soaked at the beach thanks to the perfectly timed rain (pandai mash) or cos really, it takes a few days for the pain frm getting whacked to heal. makes me wonder abt those professional boxers tho…how did their bodies take it, repeated beatings.
found it difficult to fall asleep these days, but once i fall asleep im like comatosed. freakishly deep slumber that im amazed that i can actually wake up from. remembered staring at z’s ceiling while waiting for slumber and listening to the rhythmic sounds of licking, of her cat, sitting below my feet, obsessed in cleaning itself. even in my own bed, my personal piece of heaven, i couldnt keep my mind at ease. images of the day’s events kept whizzing past, like an old projector, showing enlarged slides against a dull white wall. a repeated image is of my friends’ tho. her red eyes as she spoke with such earnest-ness. how troubled she was by my ‘predicament’. to my right, my dear kechik, w tears streaming down her face. a face thats usually full of smile and laughter. of sniggers and sarcastic remarks. i did this. completely unnecessary. i blotched their lives, their moods, with my crap. unnecessary. i stole hours of their rest, their peace, their attention, their energy. unnecessary. she sobbed hard on my shoulder and i caused it. what kind of person am i? why as i get older do i trouble more ppl with my crap? why cant i handle things by myself?
the other image. sand. i didnt know where to go. i couldnt even bear to look at the leaving bus as i stood at the busstop sending her off. as it rumbles further and further away from me, forlorn took over as i realised, im alone now. i looked at my hp and searched my contacts. someone. please. ‘please’ i said? who the fuck was i pleading to? God?… Azi’s name was supposed to come after Ayu in my contact list. i cant even remember this Ayu person. cant picture her face. i can remember speaking to her on several occasions. Ayu from NUS. i dont even know which faculty she was from. but Azi’s face is still fresh in my mind. ive deleted her name from my hp. but i still know where its supposed to be. but then, her line would have been dead, her arms and shoulders unavailable. as i scroll down the list, i picture the faces of my friends as i reach their names… no..no…not her..no… sigh..it was fucking terrible. terribly lonely.
i smsed N. she din reply. god decreed that she would be away from her phone. thanks. i thot, i could reach z within minutes. so near. i boarded the bus to reach her place. the same bus that left earlier. turns out, along the way i found out that shes wasnt home. shes in the west area. again, god, thanks. i thot then..ok.. Sh..no..shes too far. W..shes night shift on mon…AK was useless. so, great. just.great.
headed to the beach. thot i shall have the night sky, the stars, the sand, the waves as my companions. reached the spot. buried my toes in the sand. looked at those strangely organised ships in the corner…seeing those colourful lights emitting from the ships, from whatever life still awake on those ships, getting blurred and smudgy, forming weird pools of colours.. cos yet again i fucking need to cry. fucking cry baby. curse my huge eyes. curse my tear ducts. curse my weakness….i couldnt look at the lights anymore. sand… i couldnt bring myself to look at the sky or the sea. i dunno why..ashamed? im not sure.im really not sure..i kept my head down most of the time and let my tears fall onto the sand…i saw a lot of sand that night. sand… and then it started raining and im thinking..no..ive got no place to go. im not leaving this damn beach. no stupid rain is chasing me away. i felt the rain pierce my shirt and moist my skin. wetter and wetter. and colder..and im thinking…god is really not trying to be kind to me tonight…i felt a new low. i dunno if its due to poor memory, or that ive blocked off my past sorrows…but i dont remember feeling this fucking miserable. ppl say u can feel it when u hit rock bottom. i think im not there yet…but shit i can see it.
it seemed my whole life, the trajedies that have surfaced in my life through the years, from the moment when i could think and comprehend, were all just preparing for this damn moment. they all played a part. cumulative. they were all carefully designed, arranged and timed.. to make this moment the worst possible fucking moment ever. my childhood. the abuse frm maknormah. the repeated lies. the betrayals. the second family. my family. my repeated failures in my roles, my purposes, my relations. the divorce. the marriages. my grandparents. my cousins. my school. my trusts. my faiths. my loves. this moment seemed dependent on every fucked up moments ive experienced in my life. my pain is no longer just about what i did that night. its about what i am. who i am. everything just seemed like one big major failure. and i cant even play the victim card. cos its my fault. my faults. my doings. my incorrect reactions. my wrong choices. me.
ive never sobbed that hard. ive never wailed that loud. comfort. i needed some fucking comfort.
“where were you, where (why) were you…just a little late?”
i couldnt even properly cry my heart out cos the stupid cold was having such a great time teasing my bladder. had to pee. fantastic intermission…but really, what does crying do? ive cried every fucking day, sampai badan tak cukup air, with my freaking lips cracking and bleeding…i dun feel any better. sigh..then they came..chaos… somehow i dunno how to face them. i should thank them, i should see them and say..”hey thanks…thanks for being there for me”…but i really do not know how to handle their eyes on me, watching me like this little girl who cant handle the world. and im thinking, god..i need to fucking pray. i need some bloody shit comfort. cos i really…i dunno. i was desperate. i needed smth. smth.
that small room, has always provided me peace. that sanctuary.. through the years, whilst i was still in uniform, ive appreciated the solitude in that room. the quiet, the brightness..that night, my prayers were out of guilt. out of desperation. i spoke to god, pleading…yet everything seemed wrong cos all this while my words to him were angry words, hateful words…redha she says? i knew the meaning of redha a long time ago. i accepted my fate. many times actually. i wouldnt be alive now if i didnt. what i cant accept is me…while i din feel lonely anymore after praying, i find myself hudling to one corner of the room, listening to my own whimpers, feeling my sudden spasms, echoing in that small bright space. wanted to read the quran, but my body, my clothes were damn filthy cos of rain, sweat and stuff that i din think it was fit for me to read. hunger and dehydration set in and im thinking, its time to join the real world. sigh
im too lazy to finish this entry. so thats it. just unnecessary. the whole day…unnecessary drama, unnecessary attention. unnecessary me.
she is so complex cos she is a product of a myriad of elements and chance. she is so beautiful if studied comprehensively, yet when looked at from a particular angle, can be the most ugliest thing on this earth.
and its not just him really, though he is the one im having the biggest problem with right now. im suspecting all the friends in the know are doing it. this accomodating attitude…that lilting tone at the end of “heeeEEYYYY mash…”….the sudden attention cos suddenly im miss popular, the flooding of sms inbox/email…(email! EMAIL..seriously W, abit the obvious dun u think? who the fuck email friends nowadays? ok..but love you still) the frequent dates, lunches, outings, surprises. its my fault too. in my attempt to ‘distribute the burden’ and not depend on one person too much, ive talked to way too many ppl. and all these ppl, are playing their roles perfectly. a quick search online will give you tips how to “help a depressed person” right??? like…oooh say…1. encourage expressions of emotions including extreme sorrow, grief, even anger 2. spend time doing enjoyable things together 3. offer to help find a therapist… i noe wad you all are doing. if im not in constant contact, korang takut suddenly i’ll disappear, be reclusive and suddenly you’ll find me at the bottom of some godforsaken flat, all dead and bloody… yes yes thank you. i have lovely friends. and i dont think i can give the same support if the roles were reversed. i say this with utmost honesty. appreciate it. really. but… BUT…i cant believe im gg to have a ‘but’…
i cant promise your aunt, or even you, if you are still alive today, that i’ll see her again. i don’t know if i have enough strength to tend to a relationship with her, and therefore your family, with that thought at the back of my head, that you were the link. but i will include them in my prayers, though i dun think i’m heard much. i do hope that your family will find the peace that you’ve always wanted for them. i pray that your family will start mending the broken bridges that have been damaged through years of arguments and resentment. i pray that your cousins will find friendships, love and support they need. i will pray for you. please god, hear me for this. for her, them. not me..may god bless your family. and you. beautiful you.
