rejuvenation…

its 2.49 am right now. a few seconds ago i heard the start of the delightful sound of rain. when i looked out the window, i was greeted by this dreamy sight.

                       

i dont know why. many people will associate rain with melancholy, sorrow and those feelings that resurface when you are down in the dumps, but i have always loved rain.

everything about rain. how it envelopes that world with a whitish mist, like looking out to the world through frosted glass. i love how rain smells. or how the air smells so heavenly when theres rain. almost like a delectable soup. and the sound of rain. so calming, yet disruptive at the same time. like the whole world with all its dirt and grime, has to stop and accomodate rain. rain makes the ugliest things so beautiful and serene. like the ugly hard tarred road. the road glistens so  bewitchingly after the first few minutes of encounter with the rain. and i love how my heart seemed so light and lifted when i hear rain.

i dont know what triggered this emotional attachment with rain. i now it started in my childhood. this permanent infatuation with rain. im 22 now, and i have gained wonderful memories with rain. those quiet solitude moments in bus rides, watching tiny rivers of rainwater flowing down the windows of the bus. i watched as the rivers of rainwater curved and meandered its way, diverted into branches and joining other rivers, all purposeful in its journey to the ground. where all the water collects and pool. much like life.

and who can forget running in heavy rain. oh how resplendant the human bodies look under the rain with their clothes drenched and clung to their skin. the shine. the coolness. the freshness.

dancing in heavy rain. im lucky to have a few of that in my life. i remember twirling round and round with my hands clasped tightly to a friend’s hand as we danced in the rain. the feeling was blissful and intoxicating at the same time. it beats dancing under the blinking  coloured lights in a club.

i love rain. i love sleeping when the my part of the world is drenched with the blessings of rain. i love that momentary coolness of the earth when rain comes. the world, myself. the rain rejuvenates us.

[ confessed, but not reformed]

i thought i knew

ive been wanting to blog about this for quite awhile but …well you know, procastination. im a pro at pro-castinating. i am a PRO-procastinator…ok, bad joke.

anyway, on 12 Feb, my RE friends and i sent off a member of the spices clique. she went to beijing, china for exchange. first of all, what-a-lucky-bitch! of course, i say ‘bitch’ in a loving manner.

                              

at first, i mean, days before her departure, i sat down and put myself in a pensive mood and ruminate over the mater (chey…’ruminate’ seh!). i wondered whether i will feel just little glum, weeping or just plain indifferent.

 i know how i feel will be dependent on the strength or the depth of the friendship that i have build with her. cynical me thought, nah, we are not that close. after all, we are in a clique made up of 6 VERY different characters. and i dont really establish intimate relationships with individuals in a clique. i am close to THE clique. but close to any random individual within the clique is a whole different matter. i mean, i can hang out with them, talk with them, probably even share problems with them, but ‘they’ have to remain as a collective entity. once they have been broken down into separate individuals, i am not that sure whether i will still feel attached to the person. i mean, i know, with some of them, if its just me and one other person, there will be those uncomfortable silences that i simply must fill with empty pathetic conversations. that is a testament to the ‘uncloseness’ of the relationship.

so i thought, well, i may not be that close to her so sending her off may be easy-peasy. piece of cake..well, on monday night when i was making that collage for her, it hit me. i dont have to be ‘close’ to a person for that person to earn a certain degree of importance in my life.  i realised she has filled quite a space in my life, which will now be a void. i didnt weep nor tear, but i know i wasnt indifferent anymore. she has grown to be an important person in my life. which also means i have invested some amount of attachment to her.

part of the reason why is that when the SPICES clique was still in its infancy stage, i immediately recognised the similarity we have. she has always been the first one who understood where i was coming from in any discussions, we always agreed with each other. in a nutshell, we were on common wavelengths. and she is most similar to my character comparatively to the other members. (why do i say ‘members’ and not ‘friends’?). she likes to fool around, like me and do things spontaneously or simply because its fun. like suddenly and randomly break out into a song/melody or talk about the most frivolous issues simply because they were intriguing or it was interesting. 

i did acknowledge the fact that if this friendship is nurtured well enough, we can actually be pretty close. well, in the end, at the airport, i was one of the two people who teared. and guess what, i already miss her. i may not be exceptionally close close…to her. but i do care about her. well i hope the spices will be stronger and closer with time.

pictures of the SPICES…the people who made school bearable and fun..and beauty in my life.

 

  

         

                   

                     

                    

yeah thats it. i love them…oh man. im sooo sappyy

ruminate:to meditate or muse; ponder, to meditate on; to engage in contemplation; reflect deeply on a subject; “I mulled over the events of the afternoon”; “philosophers have speculated on the question of God for thousands of years”; “The scientist must stop to observe and start to excogitate”

[confessed, but not reformed]

weeeeee of the niiiiiigggggghhhhhhhttt

the thoughts of the day caught up with me…they always do. its like this ritual relay thing that they have going on in my head. especially in the wee hours of the morning. where all i can hear, is the soothing breezy sound of my (dusty) fan, and the occasional deep rumbling of some car cruising past my flat, as if heading towards its dying destination. sadistic seh me.

sigggghhhhh…a lot of things are in my mind right now. a lot of them are about the complexities of life, friendships, moments of trepidations, values and principles. ah what the fuck. who am i kidding right? ok, i confess. most of them are about her.

but since its mother depressing to talk about that issue again, i decide to shift my thoughts to happy things. i need a reprieve from all the sadness of the unattainables and the famous cliche of our sucky lives. so i shall reconjure up memories of the recent past…

last week my parents and i went on a picnic thing at changi… i think its changi. i didnt bring a camera, but me and abah were snapping pics with my lousy 2mgp camera phone. I thought of this particular day because my life was zipping so fast, so many new things, new emotions, new questions, and that day was sort of a break. a momentary pause in time. when drama takes a backseat and just let the camera roll silently. like those brief 5 minutes silence i have in the toilet cubicle in school amidst the hectic schedule of education. i usually look at my feet when im in the toilet squeezing pee out of my bladder. or that 5 minutes of peace that i feel when i pray (when im lucky and khusyuk). or that first 5 minutes i spent stoning after i just woke up in the afternoon.  

I know even at the shallowest end of my heart i love my family, even when i scream and swore i hate every cell in their body and every breath in their souls. I dont know whether blood is truly thicker than water, but i think i have seen the ugliest sides of them, and that hasnt destroyed or even made a dent in my love for them.

the spot we chose…                                                    and setting up…

 

 my colourful snack

some cool pic… my reflection! ok cheap thrill.

and finally, the perfect image to end the day. the pillars of my strengths. my imperfect role models. my teachers and my nemesis. my parents, sometimes my friends.

i have always loved walking behind them and watching them. they are generous with embraces and they always hold hands. i can picture them old and hunched, but their fingers will remain entwined. no matter how different i want to be from them, konon nak rebel, be a deviant, i always hope i will have what they have in the future.

[confessed, but not reformed]