uuggghh… ive had enough of projects. and enough of lousy grp mates. granted, in my almost 3 yrs in RE ive been blessed with good friends and mostly hardworking project grp mates. but one of us went on exchange, we had to work with a newcomer. i have tried my very best to be nice and sweet and understanding to her bossy demands, and ludicrous agendas, and keep my opinions to myself and not intentionally hurt the person that pisses me off.. i know the real me isnt. im known for shooting my mouth of, speaking my mind, well more of speaking my heart..cos usually i dun think before i shoot my mouth. but race is a big factor in sch for me. i have held back so much these years, cos i dun wanna be known for that malay girl whos only gd for being loudmouthed and bitchy but never really do work or leech or freeloader. i know im lazy and i know being malay and to succeed i gotta work harder than the rest. but i cant. i dun have that strength or that talent to work harder and smarter than everyone. so, i know i have to maintain low profile, be a that quiet team player who do wad u r told, make constructive opinions now and then and basically dun be the main character in any drama. cos publicity is bad. but sometimes it gets to me… its hard not being urself.i remember that day when i was not feeling too dandy cos of the fight i have with my mom. my thoughts were heavy with the scenes of our fights, and her tears. my heartache. my determination to make things right. my aunt. i was feeling horrible. but instead of resting, squeezing last traces of any tears, clearing my thoughts in a quiet corner and enjoying that intoxicating ciggy, i had a damn project meeting which i was so fucking not interested. it took a huge amt of effort to maintain my facial expression. to look fine. to ensure i can pass off a look that dont promise a “are u ok” question frm my friends later. cos i hate questions like that. i pulled thru. but i felt like shit. crappy century-yr-old shit. sometimes, i feel im losing it. me, my essence, my character…is slowly fadding away frm me. i cant get in touch with her as easily as i used to. ive been so hard on trying to maintain a new character, i have begun to lose my original one. im crapping. but maybe…im not losing..but learning…moulding. growing. maybe its better to embrace this quieter sweeter version of me. maybe its not so bad…
on another issue. i think yet again ive managed to piss off a fren. i asked my frens are they together yet. i dont understand their relationship. and i dont have a high regard for it because i think commitment is impt. i dunno. its like i get cohabitation. in fact i welcome the idea of living together without that piece of paper that registers you and your partner as legal in the eyes of the social normality. but i believe though marriage may be unnecessary, committment cannot be absent no matter how ‘modern’ or open minded you wanna live ur life. because this involves integrity.
my two friends. they flirt with each other and love each other. they call themselves ‘best friends’ but i know one is IN LOVE with the other. the other one knows of this fact. yet, chooses to acknowledge it but disregard it. and still continue with this ‘best friend’ guise. i know its not my place. ppl say they dun judge but thats a bunch of bullshit. humans cannot remove that instinct of not judging. i judge. and i dun like it. its wrong. its wrong knowing sbdy loves you, yet tell her you cant have that sort of relationship with her, but still practicising that lifestyle where she can feed her emotions for you. thats PLAYING her.thats not respecting her enough. thats being fucking selfish. just because its not a normal relationship, meaning a guy and a girl, doesnt mean the rules are different. if u are playing someone , you are an asshole, no matter if shes suppose to be a man but shes not! so wad, you can ambiguously flirt all u want under the pathetic pretension of platonic relationship, then one day when u find a male lover, then you decide to render your previous relationship unquestionably just friends. wont her friend feel like shit? cheated? fuck. i know they wanna treasure the friendship. i mean i think they are best friends before lovers. but the u gotta set things straight. you gotta put some boundaries, let time brush away the uninvited feelings completely,dun allow any possibilities or hints of “love”, thenmove on frm there. not flirt, and feed the relationship but put a label on it that says “not lovers, ‘just’ best friends”. if that works, i should fuck ard and put a label on myself “not whore, ’just’ experimenting” ..wud anyone buy it? they fucking wont. and it all boils down to respect. no respect for any other person other than themselves. yet its not surprising as time and again she’s showed herself as someone who is rather spineless. urgh. i am absolutely disgusted at how they are treating this. i dont fucking give a shit if ive hurt her. i dont even feel i need to apologise because i truly believe she deserves it. if she feels shes been maligned so be it. the words that came from my mouth werent untruths. i might have been malicious, but considering the pain she has inflicted on her ‘best friend’ due to her cowardice and selfishness is far greater that my injurious words on her. she fucking need to grow up instead of thinking everything else will settle by themselves without any proactive efforts from her part. you gotta LIVE ur life. not have other ppl do it for you to waltz thru it. ive never met someone so spoilt. and useless.
so u wanna say “dont”. u shud tell urself “DONT be a fucking wuss”
[confessed, but not reformed]
