did some cycling w kechik tadi. well, ’some’ is an undestatement of the week seh! am suprised at how ‘on’ she is abt all this. went to all of the places ive been before with some ppl. i thot it was gg to be hard tho. ive had some good times w azi in some of those places. sigh, i love sungei punggol. i did avoid certain spots tho that invoke some kind of memory w her, for fear all falling into despondency. wudnt be fair to kechik. but i was glad both girls had diff rhythms, diff tastes..in spots, locations. both of which i was happy to oblige. things that clicked w kechik were diff from things that clicked w azi. and things that clicked w siput were COMPLETELY different frm things that click w NORMAL ppl. haha. but i still havent found someone who shares the same enthusiasm on scenery, colours, textures… i dunno. im weird
we also attempted kite flying. it didnt fly. pun intended. heh. i think sometimes, fun needs to be in moderation.
but i have to admit though, i had some reservations abt it. though i love that tiny (tiny!) girl to death, and im watching silently, how our friendship have grown and blossomed, im holding my breath the whole time…im quite well aware how fragile this friendship is actually. how easily all of this can be destroyed within such a short time, erasing and negating all the good times, rendering all of them a waste of time ad energy, turning all the good feelings into regret or worse, hate. i dunno why i worry so much, but im just waiting, waiting to see when she will get tired, burdened and disgusted. and sometimes i can find myself testing her…to see if she pulls away… ppl say i should put in more trust, have more faith. but its not that i dun have trust in them. i just know who i am.
i go through this same process with everyone have a connection with. the special few. for fear of losing them, i will maintain those i love within a safety of a group, so that therell be enough dynamics and distractions, so it will slow the process of them, figuring out that im too much to handle. the grp provide enough ‘otherness’ while i can still enjoy my time w the few in the sidelines. ppl leave, its my life. ..azi i guess, was the only breakthrough. she was the only one who figured me out, the only one who convinced me had enough strength, had enough tenacity… too bad she din have enough life.
maybe im too into myself here, too self-centred. self-oriented. me me me. but i cant help it. akhlak. its the right thing to do. i tarnish, i stain, i burden. and i want good things to happen to ppl i care about. i dun want them to be troubled. life i cant control. but me, i have a bit of control.
but for kechik, the grp thing isnt as strong. frm the first birth of our friendship if i can recall, has always been a one-on-one thing. siput, and n…it was group, and then indiv selection. m and n, c…hmmm.
i need to stop theorising and just live life. but i also need to create a buffer for expected future pains.
(my shoulders hurt…. 
help )
