i am sometimes heartened (?) or kindled (?)…i dunno the proper vocab for this…but im touched by how ppl can be so sweet and kind.
was bitching to mah fren on the phone abt how ive not had a proper home-cooked meal for so SO long cos my mom’s not cooking anymore and i dun cook unless its for fun (n im beginning to think cooking for urself cos ure hungry and theres nothing to eat, is an incredibly sad situation.. so id rather go out)
it was a general complain, and i never complain so ppl will do things for me, but maybe i shud try to do a lil less complaining or maybe tweak my tone a bit frm now on…but my dear W, came by during lunch time with a pack of rice and some lauk daging and kacang panjang…homecooked by her mom. she said it was her mom’s idea. and even tho i was still groggy and unbathed at that time, and im sure still had crusts in my eyes cos i had to drag myself out of bed to the void deck in 1 minute flat, (i conveniently forgotten the need for tudung) i swear…i was like…amazed at how sweet this gesture is. plus even when she has been pre-warned of my kopet-ness, she topped the whole gesture with a hug. and that smile, a friend’s smile.
and that set me thinking. how come im not like that? my whole upbringing has been geared towards self-reliance…self-oriented. though im risking insulting my mom right now, i do notice during my teens, that ive never really been much of a giver or a helper compared to some ppl. cos i was taught ppl shudnt expect help frm others. my mom herself, doesnt offer help to her siblings voluntarily unless they are desperate enough to ask for it. with emphasis on self-reliance, that ‘tough’ attitude, my upbringing has conveniently left out the ‘giving’ characteristic. my parents are not givers, and in fact, i do notice my assholic dad is more of a giver than my mom. he secretly help his friends and siblings, donate to certain ppl once in a while. i cant really blame her tho. she had lead a hard life, and she pulled herself out of crap all this while without ppl’s assistance. her own family wasnt much relief. life taught her to be independent. its this same independence that she expects from others, the same independence she inculcated in me.
ppl who asked for help is deemed weak in her eyes. as if they didnt try hard enough..i used to share her perspective. and my mom has a very cynical attitude as well to the ‘offerers’ of help. like she assumed they would want their budi baik to be rewarded later. so if you receive help frm ppl, you owe them smth and now they have a stake over you which they can take advantage of anytime.
while its a defensive attitude to this whole thing, i think its sad. i think there’s a better way to live our lives than focus on being so calculative and cynical.
besides, i dunno how to be suspicious of that smile that W gave as she handed the packet. besides i love her to death even without that gesture. and besides, i have a soft spot for food. i mean, the way to my heart has always been through my stomach right?
