an unexpected moment of pride

i’d thot i’d give blogging a break, cos u noe, nothings new. everythings depressing and difficult and fake bla de blaaa….the usual (sheeesh, even I get bored of my problems, wad more my frens seh…)

little did i noe…to think that i did exclaim to myself i wish smths different. well i got my wish….introducing a new drama in my life….

cheng cheng cheng…drumroll… T’s FUCKING GF. bloody ‘ell. -_-

that woman has got issues, and dragging every tom dick and harry, and of course, the main villain here, ‘mash’, into her fucking relationship problem. i live on a separate country frm T n his fucking gf yet somehow she manage to insinuate my fault in breaking them up. yep of course. blame the bitch frm singapore.

this rings a damn familiar bell doesnt it, its exactly like T w his minah tudong ex.

i have always maintained this belief, that when the couple fight, even when there’s a third party, the REAL problem lies within the couple itself. its never the “other woman”. all arguments, cheatings signal much deeper problems. so i reeaaaallllly REALLY detest it, when girlfriends call up their boyfriend’s female friends to accuse, scold or ‘just talk’. you hear that mummy? fuck ah. i hope and pray i will never be in this situation when im tempted to call some pompuan up cos of my relationship problems. married or not.

and he DIDNT cheat! at least NOT with me!

so apparently after the many exchanges of scathing smses, long OVERSEAS conversations, a lot of lies were unearthed, a lot of drama.

that dude has a freaking allergy to honesty. and he is a damn player. sigh.

well, as usual, i aggravated the situation w my anger and ‘tak-mau-kalah’ attitude. abeh my principle is… biler org attack, reflex is to fight back la right. which fool will be quiet and remain passive of subservient when verbal attacks are being thrown at you. i especially have no restrain when it comes from certain bangsa yg perangai know-it-all with obnoxious arrogance, above-everyone-else attitude. furthermore, we were limited by long distance communication technology. our only ammunition was words. then when i fought back, she said i “didnt know how to talk and reply smses properly and was immature”. konon nak step-superior and fucking sophisticated. she was speaking to me w vulgarities and mighty condescending tones, wheres the sophistication and maturity?? her first act already threw maturity and sanity out of the window. to make it even more laughable, my sentences and vocab were way more superior than her…her attacks were so cheap and sad. plus she became clueless when i use words like ‘condescending’! makkau..!! mcm frustrating kan…nak step sophisticated punye jalang, tapi bodoh kecidul, with limited vocab. completely delusional of her competence. of course i would make full use of my proficiency in expletives. bodohkan org camni! if u dun have the guts, dun test the waters. seriously. abeh biler cannot handle the rebutt, nak step-ckp i speak like a 5 yr old. cheap act sial! i hate it when in verbal catfights like this, pasal da kalah words, nak attack other frivilous issues like grammar la, maturity la, spelling la…this is especially common in youtube when ppl engaged in a stupid verbal in the comments section. what the fuck seriously.

she kept deviating frm the issue and konon mock superiority w stuff saying im insane. who’s the deranged bitch who fixated on a stranger who lives hundreds of miles away over the course of many months for the problems in her relationship? who is the demented twat who smsed some stranger in the middle of the night, shoving pleading her to love her boyfriend cos “he loves you more than me”… i mean i was embarrassed that she’s a woman la, k. make herself out to be so pathetic, demeaning her self-worth. if ur boyfriend fuck up, destroy him, DUN shove him to the next woman. not send out some global cry how he doesnt love you enough. memalukan the fellow women, i tell you. really, mak dia tak ajar dia maruah perempuan ke pe…

well, whatever it is, T is single now, and i killed the friendship btw us. but nah, no tears no pain cos really, he’s not tt impt to me.

BUT there is some light in this 3 hr nightmare. i actually impressed myself w my articulation and clarity of thought. im not trying to be pompous and angkat angkat myself…but i was able to retort, fight and insult with scathing sarcasm very proficiently. (she was no match for me la…heee). usually kan, when im engaged in a verbal fight, i tend to be a bit slow and cannot find the right succint words to deliver the hurt with lethal accuracy. always frustrates me that i will figure out the right words much later… like i will stutter and be loss for words when im actually partaking in the argument. this time, maybe pasal mood jugak and konon my ‘righteous status’, my responses were swift and piercing. my mind was amazingly moving at lightspeed. well, not really, but whatever.

i swear, amidst all the arduous bitchings, i was having fun…and “winning”. i even told her to not kid herself, cos she’s “not my intellectual match”.

SSS-NNNAAAPPPP!

also, its much easier when that twat has no talent for sarcasm. ive had better battles with more competent bitches. dorang at least i respect beb! hahahhaah. i love it when oblivious numskulls like her unearth the minah-ness in me.

yeah so maybe i was a little immature by having a cheap thrill in someone else’s pain and incompetence (she sucks, period. i only wished she knew that she sucked.) maybe i did make poor decisions in my choice of words and timing that made matters worse rather than being considerate for T’s and his gf’s problems. but when i think about it, i am not responsible “to make things better” for them. the situation was already a mess before my involuntary participation. i made it worse (and more exciting), true, but it was all in defense to myself.

and at the end of the day, im smiling, beaming with pride, and they are the ones stuck with laborious work of ‘patching up’ or saving whatever morsels of love left remnant. so do i need to care?

not really. =)

so i was searching for pictures of women fighting, and this was an ad frm french connection or smth. two gorgeous ladies. by the way, when i fight, i dun slap, i punch.

and i stumbled upon this picture, some hot fighter off the cover of some dvd. damn shes yummy isnt she….? i wanna look like herrrrr..alll sweaty, and bloody and flat abs, tough and deliciously sexy.

just a sour taste in my mouth

thought of the stuff i wanna write in the train.

feeling exactly wad MS said she was feeling during dinner. Like this sadness settling all over me. forlorn? ugh. whatever it is i feel miserable. quite miserable. and unlike MS, i cant put the blame to period. cos mine baru habis.

had a distasteful accounter with the HEAD today. UNprofessional bastard. they might as well seize his AP from his title and replace it with UP-UR-S in. bloody unfair. he is first and foremost within the walls of the class or lecture hall, an EDUCATOR. not some Grassroot member, not some Town Council chairman committee, not PAP die-hard supporter. he delivers his opinions in fucking condescending tones all the time.  IF his comments are valid, or of a certain worth, credibilty, lain cerite. ni HABOK pun takde.  its as if every time he spoke, he has to ensure that he brings across the point that he is superior and everyone is beneath him. he seem to ensure that his presence MUST be accompanied with at least one victimised poor soul. he has to slander at least one person. seriously what has he achieved in his life that he is all snooty-tooty. unjustified arrogance.

bodoh bahlul kecidol. sial la. theres like 16 groups presenting on issues of Town Council. 16 fucking issues. they are not of equal difficulty. not fair. i mean SERIOUSLY. some topics can smoke thru…like upgrading, public relations, littering, abuse of public properties. take alot of pictures and  fund management u need INSIDER info. TRANSPARENCY my ass la….so my group had the curse of getting FUND MANAGEMENT. which is management of funds am i right? so we present on the management la. the focus is the management. not take one particular fund and focus on it, put some ears and glitter on it, add a jingle and present the damn joke and end it with striptease and some can can. he credit presentations with cheap gimmicks  that include injections of hokkien dialect jokes, bad acting and stupid interviews. like some circus show. look, THAT is not creativity. THAT is cheap bad taste. look, fine. theres effort la, to inclue videos, reenact scenes, some ‘entertaining’ skit.  but whatever manner but u present, however unconventional approach u take, the fundamental thing is CONTENT must be there. most skits i watched had not much content. what they had much of was cheap comic relief, and some done in bad taste. ok fine. few grps did well. their points still manage to permeate out.  SJ’s grp did an excellent simulation of some debate talk show. they were creative with a degree of sophistication. SOPHISTICATION. how the fuckdoes he want us to be creative with presenting FUND MANAGEMENT.its numbers, its income statements, its sensitive matters.. what.. one, two, three, four, HI-FUND…bloody hell. fine, we could have been more creative. we COULD have simulated a debate. or smth.

and since when has the main objective of a UNIVERSITY presentation is to ENTERTAIN the fucking chauvinistic prof. NEVER. since when is the good old fashion presentation bad. im so angry at this and the worst thing is there is no avenue to fight back, to retort, to punch his god-damned face and stuff his smirk into his asshole. aaarrrggghhh. im getting even angrier cos i cant insult him properly. limited vocab.

ok. Jas cried today. i saw the rush of blood to her endearing face. i saw tears brimming, threatening to moist those sweet cheeks. uughh. it was so…heart-breaking? im not sure what i felt but i din like it. i swear i thot sbdy died. she trembled and cried and its so painful to watch but u cant tear ur eyes off her. i think cos shes almost like the baby in the group. not in a bad way, but in that protective way. immediately she appeared (to me) to be some kid that got bullied by fate. uuuggh. din like it. well it turns out, her mom went to hosp, got a jab and now staying at the aunts hse. hope she get well soon. i wudnt have cried if it happened to me. which makes her so freaking cute that she over reacted that way.

i have had enough

uuggghh… ive had enough of projects. and enough of lousy grp mates. granted, in my almost 3 yrs in RE ive been blessed with good friends and mostly hardworking project grp mates. but one of us went on exchange, we had to work with a newcomer. i have tried my very best to be nice and sweet and understanding to her bossy demands, and ludicrous agendas, and keep my opinions to myself and not intentionally hurt the person that pisses me off.. i know the real me isnt. im known for shooting my mouth of, speaking my mind, well more of speaking my heart..cos usually i dun think before i shoot my mouth. but race is a big factor in sch for me. i have held back so much these years, cos i dun wanna be known for that malay girl whos only gd for being loudmouthed and bitchy but never really do work or leech or freeloader. i know im lazy and i know being malay and to succeed i gotta work harder than the rest. but i cant. i dun have that strength or that talent to work harder and smarter than everyone. so, i know i have to maintain low profile, be a that quiet team player who do wad u r told, make constructive opinions now and then and basically dun be the main character in any drama. cos publicity is bad. but sometimes it gets to me… its hard not being urself.i remember that day when i was not feeling too dandy cos of the fight i have with my mom. my thoughts were heavy with the scenes of our fights, and her tears. my heartache. my determination to make things right. my aunt. i was feeling horrible. but instead of resting, squeezing last traces of any tears, clearing my thoughts in a quiet corner and enjoying that intoxicating ciggy, i had a damn project meeting which i was so fucking not interested. it took a huge amt of effort to maintain my facial expression. to look fine. to ensure i can pass off a look that dont promise a “are u ok” question frm my friends later. cos i hate questions like that. i pulled thru. but i felt like shit. crappy century-yr-old shit. sometimes, i feel im losing it. me, my essence, my character…is slowly fadding away frm me. i cant get in touch with her as easily as i used to. ive been so hard on trying to maintain a new character, i have begun to lose my original one. im crapping. but maybe…im not losing..but learning…moulding. growing. maybe its better to embrace this quieter sweeter version of me. maybe its not so bad… 

on another issue. i think yet again ive managed to piss off a fren. i asked my frens are they together yet. i dont understand their relationship. and i dont have a high regard for it because i think commitment is impt. i dunno. its like i get cohabitation. in fact i welcome the idea of living together without that piece of paper that registers you and your partner as legal in the eyes of the social normality. but i believe though marriage may be unnecessary, committment cannot be absent no matter how ‘modern’ or open minded you wanna live ur life. because this involves integrity.

my two friends. they flirt with each other and love each other. they call themselves ‘best friends’ but i know one is IN LOVE with the other. the other one knows of this fact. yet, chooses to acknowledge it but disregard it. and still continue with this ‘best friend’ guise. i know its not my place. ppl say they dun judge but thats a bunch of bullshit. humans cannot remove that instinct of not judging. i judge. and i dun like it. its wrong. its wrong knowing sbdy loves you, yet tell her you cant have that sort of relationship with her, but still practicising that lifestyle where she can feed her emotions for you. thats PLAYING her.thats not respecting her enough. thats being fucking selfish. just because its not a normal relationship, meaning a guy and a girl, doesnt mean the rules are different. if u are playing someone , you are an asshole,  no matter if shes suppose to be a man but shes not! so wad, you can ambiguously flirt all u want under the pathetic pretension of platonic relationship, then one day when u find a male lover, then you decide to render your previous relationship unquestionably just friends. wont her friend feel like shit? cheated? fuck. i know they wanna treasure the friendship. i mean i think they are best friends before lovers. but the u gotta set things straight. you gotta put some boundaries, let time brush away the uninvited feelings completely,dun allow any possibilities or hints of “love”, thenmove on frm there. not flirt, and feed the relationship but put a label on it that says “not lovers, ‘just’ best friends”. if that works, i should fuck ard and put a label on myself “not whore, ’just’ experimenting” ..wud anyone buy it? they fucking wont. and it all boils down to respect. no respect for any other person other than themselves. yet its not surprising as time and again she’s showed herself as someone who is rather spineless.  urgh. i am absolutely disgusted at how they are treating this. i dont fucking give a shit if ive hurt her. i dont even feel i need to apologise because i truly believe she deserves it. if she feels shes been maligned so be it. the words that came from my mouth werent untruths. i might have been malicious, but considering the pain she has inflicted on her ‘best friend’ due to her cowardice and selfishness is far greater that my injurious words on her. she fucking need to grow up instead of thinking everything else will settle by themselves without any proactive efforts from her part. you gotta LIVE ur life. not have other ppl do it for you to waltz thru it. ive never met someone so spoilt. and useless.

so u wanna say “dont”. u shud tell urself “DONT be a fucking wuss”

[confessed, but not reformed]

 

the one with…

THE ONE WITH THE SMELL 

my room stinks. and i cant really locate the source of the stench.

THE ONE WITH THE UNTRUTH 

i made up a huge lie to save my own ass. i just hope the lie wont spin into something so disastrously unmanageable that gets me into the deepest shit that ive never been through. ive been in pretty deep ones, and i know this issue has potential into mutating into smth mega-colossal. itll be like 10000 leagues under the fuck. god oh god oh god…please please save my ungrateful ass again. PLEASE.

THE ONE WITH THE PROCASTINATOR

i have to rewrite an essay and i cant even seem to start. no inspiration.

THE ONE WITH THE NIGHTMARES 

i have a lecturer to meet tmw and im not looking forward to it. in fact this feels like meeting the principal for not doing my head prefect duty. like meeting my form teacher for swearing and using the word ‘bitch’ to my classmate who honestly deserves every meaning of that word. (‘fuck’ wasnt a trend yet) feels like being confronted by my malay teacher for fighting with a bunch of girls. oh god. my primary school nightmares replaying in my head…yeaarrrgggh…spinning…

THE ONE WITH THE BF’s FAMILY

the boyfriend was confronted by his siblings today. he was accused of applying for a flat at sengkang with his girlfriend. cos he was spotted by his sister’s apparently mak joyah friend at hdb HQ toa payoh. siblings got angry cos he’s the only anak lelaki left in the familiy and that title entails a lot of responsibilities that involves financial duty, parents yada yada …badabing badabboong…applying for a flat now is simply a BIG no no. applying for a flat without consulting elder siblings (and getting their approval) is deemed a catastrophy. problem was, the siblings were out of their fucking deranged minds. me and him, as settled as we are, are nowhere near marriage. as so deeply in love we may appear to be, we still have our brains firmly chained in our skulls, thank you. we are friggin in our early twenties, still schooling part-time or not, still not ready for a big hulabalooic permanent full-time-till-eternity-commitment like MARRIAGE. and damn, do they even know their brother at all??? if they did, they would know that he is freaking sensible, (alot more sensible than them at some points), and that financial stability is really impt to him. so the mak-bedah-joyah-kepo-nak-mampos-suka-jaga-tepi-kain-org person saw the wrong couple, gossipped the wrong information. i mean seriously? a young tall dark-skinned man with a minah tudung partner. that description fits 3/4 of the malay couple population lah.

ok even so…receiving an information like that, shud render further probing and perhaps calling the ‘your-own-flesh-and-blood’ brother to confirm the truth cos logic says trust ur own family, not kepo unreliable friends. NOT mobilising half the family to interrogate and scold the brother as if he was hiding spore no. 1 wanted man! and get this, one of the smart ass sister said, if that really happened, she would be highly disappointed in…(ceng ceng ceng) …ME! the gf!!!!! WTF.. ok this require full spelling. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK????

he was expecting she would be disappointed in him…but instead MY NAME was being dragged here. eh first of all, she doesnt even KNOW me. dont even know for certain how i look, how i speak, how i fight back, much less my character. and mcm sial kan, to put expectations on me (cos to be disappointed at me, u have to have place expectations on me first, and to have a degree of expectation on me, u have to know me first, and know the kind of relationship i have with her brother)…seriously… if we did lose our minds and made a decision like those too-young-to-be-married hingus malay lunatics couple and applied for a flat, why shud the expectation fall solely on ME. why be disappointed in me and not HIM. what, just because he’s in love w me, doesnt mean all decisions are made by me! doesnt mean all the thinking done by me! doesnt mean he lost all his individuality, lost all his independent abilities. DOES NOT FUCKING mean all the faults falls on me. harlow??? if we are indeed a going to be married couple, wudnt the man be more in charge?? i mean, what happen to ketua keluarga, syurga di telapak kaki suami etc? i mean fuck gender equality cos thats fairytale cock. we are muslims and the religion place greater regards for men, tanggungjawab, authority and prestige. what happen to all that?? man, im writhing in anger. seriously ah! so angry. mcm yg buruk all me, yg baik all him. pantat ah. pantat kecidol. if only they know how i bitch back. they wud hell know for certain im not marriageable yet. much less want to APPLY for a flat at sengkang.

i dun even like sengkang.

[confessed, but not reformed]

the clueless

SO many things swirling in my head right now. swirling and moving, slowly building up pressure like those convection currents in hot molten magma in the depths of the earth. the accession of heat, pressure intensify…and then BOOM! the eruption of disgusting incoherent thoughts and coments, jugdements, emotions… uurghhhh…

much like shaking a can of coke before you open it…it spurts out sticky bubbly fuzzy thing that honestly is completely useless… the thrill is in the explosion. the muchly anticipated outburst. only this time, you replace the coke with human thoughts. very ugly.

ok first things first.

IMPERFECTION is reality.

k thats it. thats all im gg to say…more dosa if i actually see my insults in words.

DISCIPLINE is absent.

a quality i have lost altogether. i skipped two tutorials of my soci module, and have a lacklustre attitude towards lecture attendance too. hell doors opened when i found out a couple of hours ago, that tomorrows lecture will hold  the mid-term test. one hour essay writing. F.U.C.K…plus… (i swear god have a cruel sense of humour)…theres an individual presentation which bears the same weightage to the test. 10%. what was i thinking when i skipped tutorials! lecture is ok. you can skip. but EVERYONE knows actual learning occur in the tutorial class. im so unprepared. all i want is to pass. den i can finally use my S/U option.

UNDERSTANDING

a blogger wrote this. “the word understanding has thirteen letters required to make it come into being”. thats a whole lota letters that means an even more whole lota things. 

its so hard for people to grasp the true meaning of ‘understanding’. most of the time people put assumed meanings into the words uttered by other people without truly internalising the actual intent. mis-understanding then happens because people just fail to make the link. the communication bridge just got fractured somewhere. actual information never got transmitted. instead, people make decisions over presumed meanings and intent. people just dont get people.

some happiness within the dirt

certain people though, exhibit loyalty. in their company, genuine smiles, laughter and that warm feeling that settles in your heart and tummy, never fail to make presence. sacrifices are made simply not because its convenient. spent a fantastic time at the zoo with the real people that truly matter. for that im thankfu

[confessed, but not reformed]