the perfect family and a dead sister.

this post has been in a draft form for days cos i keep forgetting to finish it.

i am still eternally grateful for z to teman me the whole of tues. we had barely 3 hours of sleep yet she was with me till midnight the next day. even when her bf had some problems which she should attend to. i think worse was for kechik cos she needs to work wad with consecutive days of little sleep. yup. im at fault.
sigh. when z suggested watching a movie i thot great. nice huge comfy chairs so at least she can rest. nice.

i remembered there were several missed calls frm sh. i thot…i can only handle so many friends at this time. shud get back to her tomorrow or the day after. big fucking mistake. i should have met her earlier. i should have stopped consuming myself w my own crap and see her.sighh.. did damage control the day after…thank god. DUN EVER DO THAT AGAIN MASH. JUST FUCKING DUN!!!

so then we watched my sister’s keeper. yeah…sob fest alert. everyone around me was crying like mad and i was well-acquainted with mucus-filled nostrils throughout the whole movie. only, i was certain i was crying for different reasons from the audience.

that whole fucking movie, the whole storyline, was made up of characters who are perfect, perfect in their roles, but dealt with a dying, and then dead, child/sister. but everyone played their part well. no one was selfish, no one was incompetent, and i didnt see any resentment even tho kate/katie mentioned it.

the movie was mocking my family. the movie portrayed everything that my family failed to be. we failed. i fail.

the dad, was a perfect dad, completely intuned w the thoughts and feelings of his daughters. he had memories of his little girls as babies crying or him gg over their homeworks when they were older…he brought them to the beach cos he knew that was what she wants despite the mom’s violent reaction. he was the perfect father. someone i never had. i bawled like crazy when he brought his daughter to his firemen place and he stood at the threshold, watching her and reminisce of the time when she was little and then growing up, when she was dependent on their thoughts and opinions and instructions. my dad never looked at me that way. he never even mentioned i was a cute baby when all my relatives kept reminding me that (i turned out pretty different from what they thought i would be). he never willingly sat at the the dining table NOT at the head of the table to hold family discussions where everyone can voice their ideas, thoughts, feelings…he din care for communication. all he give a shit to was his position as the HEAD of the family. ironic how his ‘head’ aint working now eh daddy??? fuck you.

the boy, the dying girl and that abigail person. wads her character name..anna…were all perfect brother, sister daughters son…they all behaved for the benefit of the whole family. selflessly and lovingly. Katie wanna just die cos the cancer was killing her family. the brother played the silent strong one cos the others needed the attention more. anna pit herself against her parents cos she wanna fulfil her sister’s wish and let the mom chill. the mom was a superwoman, strong and dependable and knew wad to do, when to do, had the expertise and the strength…

and damn…the relationship btw the anna and kate was fucking enviable. damn sweet. heck..the relationship between any two of them was enviable.

halfway into the movie, i was thinking…fucking wrong movie…big fucking mistake. shouldve avoid movies about families…shouldve avoid movies that will make me cry…and worse..i was crying at totally different timings from the audience. they were crying at moments the directors meant it to be touching. i was crying at stuff that were personal to me. i think crying without sound is a freaking irritating feat. and bloody hell the theatre was echoey. i mean seriously man..bawling repeatedly for days…not healthy dude. not healthy…siggghhhh

there were some touching songs in the movie…but i remembered one line distinctly.

“heaven is a place where nothing happens”..

sad…but true aint it…i wish nothing happened to me…i wish nothing happened to Sh too…god help her..cos i dun have the strength now to help her…
seriously man…DUDE…up there…can you bloody time our shit differently…so at least we can help each other out???

major sigh.

and fuck sunday. fuck 137. fuck F.

halfway

i need strength. i need strength to maintain discipline. over the months, there were so many issues that were the topics of my many mental debates. its a sign that i have too much time in my hands, or that my brain has finally discovered the extra 2% of brain power that it can use. (humans supposedly use only up to 5% of brain power. for most of my 21 yrs of my life i used 1%). ok wad was i talking abt? yeah..discipline.

i got no discipline to pen my thoughts. thats a reason why i never finished my diaries/journals etc. everything was done halfway. most of my personal projects died midway.  it frustrates me cos there’s no organisation. if i dun write them down, argue it out in a VISIBLE medium, i wont reach a conclusion or have that “lesson learnt” section. this is probably the effect of the excellent composition teacher i had in pri/sec/jc sch. paragraph: sentence head, body, example, conclusion. ok smth liddat.

yeah k. so there were many issues. like respect within friends, family duties, relationship, personal jealousy… ok basically, if i had religiously account my issues, this blog would have the chapter by chapter recordings of my gradual break down. im pretty sure of it.

[confessed, but not reformed]