lovin’ the love

back from J’s place. J cooked! sswweeeet lil thinggg. havent seen these bitches for the longest time! im beginning to think that i have pretty good looking bunch of frens. their relaxed smiles, cheek creases, twinkling eyes, mobile eyebrows (haha)…i have gorgeous friends really. i cant name one friend that i think is not gorgeous. everyone…so pretty…so…sempurna…none of them sored my eyes, whereas my own reflection draws a curse from me daily.

anw…the atmosphere was so lovely. you noe that saying…smth about when ure in good company it feels as if angels are playing music ard you? or smth like that…haha. but whatever it is, there were good feelings radiating in that cck flat. you noe you’re surrounded by love when someone says “can i chain all of us together so we dun have to separate?”

***cue for “aaaaawwwww…..” (eksyen me just sniggered, when in fact i wanted to run over to her n squeeeze her)

so bloody cute. must be genes. i bet you she’s half bunny. i noe her dad’s cantonese…and i think her mum is some cute bunny breed..dun ask me how, but to be that cute, you cant be entirely human.

an unexpected moment of pride

i’d thot i’d give blogging a break, cos u noe, nothings new. everythings depressing and difficult and fake bla de blaaa….the usual (sheeesh, even I get bored of my problems, wad more my frens seh…)

little did i noe…to think that i did exclaim to myself i wish smths different. well i got my wish….introducing a new drama in my life….

cheng cheng cheng…drumroll… T’s FUCKING GF. bloody ‘ell. -_-

that woman has got issues, and dragging every tom dick and harry, and of course, the main villain here, ‘mash’, into her fucking relationship problem. i live on a separate country frm T n his fucking gf yet somehow she manage to insinuate my fault in breaking them up. yep of course. blame the bitch frm singapore.

this rings a damn familiar bell doesnt it, its exactly like T w his minah tudong ex.

i have always maintained this belief, that when the couple fight, even when there’s a third party, the REAL problem lies within the couple itself. its never the “other woman”. all arguments, cheatings signal much deeper problems. so i reeaaaallllly REALLY detest it, when girlfriends call up their boyfriend’s female friends to accuse, scold or ‘just talk’. you hear that mummy? fuck ah. i hope and pray i will never be in this situation when im tempted to call some pompuan up cos of my relationship problems. married or not.

and he DIDNT cheat! at least NOT with me!

so apparently after the many exchanges of scathing smses, long OVERSEAS conversations, a lot of lies were unearthed, a lot of drama.

that dude has a freaking allergy to honesty. and he is a damn player. sigh.

well, as usual, i aggravated the situation w my anger and ‘tak-mau-kalah’ attitude. abeh my principle is… biler org attack, reflex is to fight back la right. which fool will be quiet and remain passive of subservient when verbal attacks are being thrown at you. i especially have no restrain when it comes from certain bangsa yg perangai know-it-all with obnoxious arrogance, above-everyone-else attitude. furthermore, we were limited by long distance communication technology. our only ammunition was words. then when i fought back, she said i “didnt know how to talk and reply smses properly and was immature”. konon nak step-superior and fucking sophisticated. she was speaking to me w vulgarities and mighty condescending tones, wheres the sophistication and maturity?? her first act already threw maturity and sanity out of the window. to make it even more laughable, my sentences and vocab were way more superior than her…her attacks were so cheap and sad. plus she became clueless when i use words like ‘condescending’! makkau..!! mcm frustrating kan…nak step sophisticated punye jalang, tapi bodoh kecidul, with limited vocab. completely delusional of her competence. of course i would make full use of my proficiency in expletives. bodohkan org camni! if u dun have the guts, dun test the waters. seriously. abeh biler cannot handle the rebutt, nak step-ckp i speak like a 5 yr old. cheap act sial! i hate it when in verbal catfights like this, pasal da kalah words, nak attack other frivilous issues like grammar la, maturity la, spelling la…this is especially common in youtube when ppl engaged in a stupid verbal in the comments section. what the fuck seriously.

she kept deviating frm the issue and konon mock superiority w stuff saying im insane. who’s the deranged bitch who fixated on a stranger who lives hundreds of miles away over the course of many months for the problems in her relationship? who is the demented twat who smsed some stranger in the middle of the night, shoving pleading her to love her boyfriend cos “he loves you more than me”… i mean i was embarrassed that she’s a woman la, k. make herself out to be so pathetic, demeaning her self-worth. if ur boyfriend fuck up, destroy him, DUN shove him to the next woman. not send out some global cry how he doesnt love you enough. memalukan the fellow women, i tell you. really, mak dia tak ajar dia maruah perempuan ke pe…

well, whatever it is, T is single now, and i killed the friendship btw us. but nah, no tears no pain cos really, he’s not tt impt to me.

BUT there is some light in this 3 hr nightmare. i actually impressed myself w my articulation and clarity of thought. im not trying to be pompous and angkat angkat myself…but i was able to retort, fight and insult with scathing sarcasm very proficiently. (she was no match for me la…heee). usually kan, when im engaged in a verbal fight, i tend to be a bit slow and cannot find the right succint words to deliver the hurt with lethal accuracy. always frustrates me that i will figure out the right words much later… like i will stutter and be loss for words when im actually partaking in the argument. this time, maybe pasal mood jugak and konon my ‘righteous status’, my responses were swift and piercing. my mind was amazingly moving at lightspeed. well, not really, but whatever.

i swear, amidst all the arduous bitchings, i was having fun…and “winning”. i even told her to not kid herself, cos she’s “not my intellectual match”.

SSS-NNNAAAPPPP!

also, its much easier when that twat has no talent for sarcasm. ive had better battles with more competent bitches. dorang at least i respect beb! hahahhaah. i love it when oblivious numskulls like her unearth the minah-ness in me.

yeah so maybe i was a little immature by having a cheap thrill in someone else’s pain and incompetence (she sucks, period. i only wished she knew that she sucked.) maybe i did make poor decisions in my choice of words and timing that made matters worse rather than being considerate for T’s and his gf’s problems. but when i think about it, i am not responsible “to make things better” for them. the situation was already a mess before my involuntary participation. i made it worse (and more exciting), true, but it was all in defense to myself.

and at the end of the day, im smiling, beaming with pride, and they are the ones stuck with laborious work of ‘patching up’ or saving whatever morsels of love left remnant. so do i need to care?

not really. =)

so i was searching for pictures of women fighting, and this was an ad frm french connection or smth. two gorgeous ladies. by the way, when i fight, i dun slap, i punch.

and i stumbled upon this picture, some hot fighter off the cover of some dvd. damn shes yummy isnt she….? i wanna look like herrrrr..alll sweaty, and bloody and flat abs, tough and deliciously sexy.

just a sour taste in my mouth

thought of the stuff i wanna write in the train.

feeling exactly wad MS said she was feeling during dinner. Like this sadness settling all over me. forlorn? ugh. whatever it is i feel miserable. quite miserable. and unlike MS, i cant put the blame to period. cos mine baru habis.

had a distasteful accounter with the HEAD today. UNprofessional bastard. they might as well seize his AP from his title and replace it with UP-UR-S in. bloody unfair. he is first and foremost within the walls of the class or lecture hall, an EDUCATOR. not some Grassroot member, not some Town Council chairman committee, not PAP die-hard supporter. he delivers his opinions in fucking condescending tones all the time.  IF his comments are valid, or of a certain worth, credibilty, lain cerite. ni HABOK pun takde.  its as if every time he spoke, he has to ensure that he brings across the point that he is superior and everyone is beneath him. he seem to ensure that his presence MUST be accompanied with at least one victimised poor soul. he has to slander at least one person. seriously what has he achieved in his life that he is all snooty-tooty. unjustified arrogance.

bodoh bahlul kecidol. sial la. theres like 16 groups presenting on issues of Town Council. 16 fucking issues. they are not of equal difficulty. not fair. i mean SERIOUSLY. some topics can smoke thru…like upgrading, public relations, littering, abuse of public properties. take alot of pictures and  fund management u need INSIDER info. TRANSPARENCY my ass la….so my group had the curse of getting FUND MANAGEMENT. which is management of funds am i right? so we present on the management la. the focus is the management. not take one particular fund and focus on it, put some ears and glitter on it, add a jingle and present the damn joke and end it with striptease and some can can. he credit presentations with cheap gimmicks  that include injections of hokkien dialect jokes, bad acting and stupid interviews. like some circus show. look, THAT is not creativity. THAT is cheap bad taste. look, fine. theres effort la, to inclue videos, reenact scenes, some ‘entertaining’ skit.  but whatever manner but u present, however unconventional approach u take, the fundamental thing is CONTENT must be there. most skits i watched had not much content. what they had much of was cheap comic relief, and some done in bad taste. ok fine. few grps did well. their points still manage to permeate out.  SJ’s grp did an excellent simulation of some debate talk show. they were creative with a degree of sophistication. SOPHISTICATION. how the fuckdoes he want us to be creative with presenting FUND MANAGEMENT.its numbers, its income statements, its sensitive matters.. what.. one, two, three, four, HI-FUND…bloody hell. fine, we could have been more creative. we COULD have simulated a debate. or smth.

and since when has the main objective of a UNIVERSITY presentation is to ENTERTAIN the fucking chauvinistic prof. NEVER. since when is the good old fashion presentation bad. im so angry at this and the worst thing is there is no avenue to fight back, to retort, to punch his god-damned face and stuff his smirk into his asshole. aaarrrggghhh. im getting even angrier cos i cant insult him properly. limited vocab.

ok. Jas cried today. i saw the rush of blood to her endearing face. i saw tears brimming, threatening to moist those sweet cheeks. uughh. it was so…heart-breaking? im not sure what i felt but i din like it. i swear i thot sbdy died. she trembled and cried and its so painful to watch but u cant tear ur eyes off her. i think cos shes almost like the baby in the group. not in a bad way, but in that protective way. immediately she appeared (to me) to be some kid that got bullied by fate. uuuggh. din like it. well it turns out, her mom went to hosp, got a jab and now staying at the aunts hse. hope she get well soon. i wudnt have cried if it happened to me. which makes her so freaking cute that she over reacted that way.

i have had enough

uuggghh… ive had enough of projects. and enough of lousy grp mates. granted, in my almost 3 yrs in RE ive been blessed with good friends and mostly hardworking project grp mates. but one of us went on exchange, we had to work with a newcomer. i have tried my very best to be nice and sweet and understanding to her bossy demands, and ludicrous agendas, and keep my opinions to myself and not intentionally hurt the person that pisses me off.. i know the real me isnt. im known for shooting my mouth of, speaking my mind, well more of speaking my heart..cos usually i dun think before i shoot my mouth. but race is a big factor in sch for me. i have held back so much these years, cos i dun wanna be known for that malay girl whos only gd for being loudmouthed and bitchy but never really do work or leech or freeloader. i know im lazy and i know being malay and to succeed i gotta work harder than the rest. but i cant. i dun have that strength or that talent to work harder and smarter than everyone. so, i know i have to maintain low profile, be a that quiet team player who do wad u r told, make constructive opinions now and then and basically dun be the main character in any drama. cos publicity is bad. but sometimes it gets to me… its hard not being urself.i remember that day when i was not feeling too dandy cos of the fight i have with my mom. my thoughts were heavy with the scenes of our fights, and her tears. my heartache. my determination to make things right. my aunt. i was feeling horrible. but instead of resting, squeezing last traces of any tears, clearing my thoughts in a quiet corner and enjoying that intoxicating ciggy, i had a damn project meeting which i was so fucking not interested. it took a huge amt of effort to maintain my facial expression. to look fine. to ensure i can pass off a look that dont promise a “are u ok” question frm my friends later. cos i hate questions like that. i pulled thru. but i felt like shit. crappy century-yr-old shit. sometimes, i feel im losing it. me, my essence, my character…is slowly fadding away frm me. i cant get in touch with her as easily as i used to. ive been so hard on trying to maintain a new character, i have begun to lose my original one. im crapping. but maybe…im not losing..but learning…moulding. growing. maybe its better to embrace this quieter sweeter version of me. maybe its not so bad… 

on another issue. i think yet again ive managed to piss off a fren. i asked my frens are they together yet. i dont understand their relationship. and i dont have a high regard for it because i think commitment is impt. i dunno. its like i get cohabitation. in fact i welcome the idea of living together without that piece of paper that registers you and your partner as legal in the eyes of the social normality. but i believe though marriage may be unnecessary, committment cannot be absent no matter how ‘modern’ or open minded you wanna live ur life. because this involves integrity.

my two friends. they flirt with each other and love each other. they call themselves ‘best friends’ but i know one is IN LOVE with the other. the other one knows of this fact. yet, chooses to acknowledge it but disregard it. and still continue with this ‘best friend’ guise. i know its not my place. ppl say they dun judge but thats a bunch of bullshit. humans cannot remove that instinct of not judging. i judge. and i dun like it. its wrong. its wrong knowing sbdy loves you, yet tell her you cant have that sort of relationship with her, but still practicising that lifestyle where she can feed her emotions for you. thats PLAYING her.thats not respecting her enough. thats being fucking selfish. just because its not a normal relationship, meaning a guy and a girl, doesnt mean the rules are different. if u are playing someone , you are an asshole,  no matter if shes suppose to be a man but shes not! so wad, you can ambiguously flirt all u want under the pathetic pretension of platonic relationship, then one day when u find a male lover, then you decide to render your previous relationship unquestionably just friends. wont her friend feel like shit? cheated? fuck. i know they wanna treasure the friendship. i mean i think they are best friends before lovers. but the u gotta set things straight. you gotta put some boundaries, let time brush away the uninvited feelings completely,dun allow any possibilities or hints of “love”, thenmove on frm there. not flirt, and feed the relationship but put a label on it that says “not lovers, ‘just’ best friends”. if that works, i should fuck ard and put a label on myself “not whore, ’just’ experimenting” ..wud anyone buy it? they fucking wont. and it all boils down to respect. no respect for any other person other than themselves. yet its not surprising as time and again she’s showed herself as someone who is rather spineless.  urgh. i am absolutely disgusted at how they are treating this. i dont fucking give a shit if ive hurt her. i dont even feel i need to apologise because i truly believe she deserves it. if she feels shes been maligned so be it. the words that came from my mouth werent untruths. i might have been malicious, but considering the pain she has inflicted on her ‘best friend’ due to her cowardice and selfishness is far greater that my injurious words on her. she fucking need to grow up instead of thinking everything else will settle by themselves without any proactive efforts from her part. you gotta LIVE ur life. not have other ppl do it for you to waltz thru it. ive never met someone so spoilt. and useless.

so u wanna say “dont”. u shud tell urself “DONT be a fucking wuss”

[confessed, but not reformed]

 

i thought i knew

ive been wanting to blog about this for quite awhile but …well you know, procastination. im a pro at pro-castinating. i am a PRO-procastinator…ok, bad joke.

anyway, on 12 Feb, my RE friends and i sent off a member of the spices clique. she went to beijing, china for exchange. first of all, what-a-lucky-bitch! of course, i say ‘bitch’ in a loving manner.

                              

at first, i mean, days before her departure, i sat down and put myself in a pensive mood and ruminate over the mater (chey…’ruminate’ seh!). i wondered whether i will feel just little glum, weeping or just plain indifferent.

 i know how i feel will be dependent on the strength or the depth of the friendship that i have build with her. cynical me thought, nah, we are not that close. after all, we are in a clique made up of 6 VERY different characters. and i dont really establish intimate relationships with individuals in a clique. i am close to THE clique. but close to any random individual within the clique is a whole different matter. i mean, i can hang out with them, talk with them, probably even share problems with them, but ‘they’ have to remain as a collective entity. once they have been broken down into separate individuals, i am not that sure whether i will still feel attached to the person. i mean, i know, with some of them, if its just me and one other person, there will be those uncomfortable silences that i simply must fill with empty pathetic conversations. that is a testament to the ‘uncloseness’ of the relationship.

so i thought, well, i may not be that close to her so sending her off may be easy-peasy. piece of cake..well, on monday night when i was making that collage for her, it hit me. i dont have to be ‘close’ to a person for that person to earn a certain degree of importance in my life.  i realised she has filled quite a space in my life, which will now be a void. i didnt weep nor tear, but i know i wasnt indifferent anymore. she has grown to be an important person in my life. which also means i have invested some amount of attachment to her.

part of the reason why is that when the SPICES clique was still in its infancy stage, i immediately recognised the similarity we have. she has always been the first one who understood where i was coming from in any discussions, we always agreed with each other. in a nutshell, we were on common wavelengths. and she is most similar to my character comparatively to the other members. (why do i say ‘members’ and not ‘friends’?). she likes to fool around, like me and do things spontaneously or simply because its fun. like suddenly and randomly break out into a song/melody or talk about the most frivolous issues simply because they were intriguing or it was interesting. 

i did acknowledge the fact that if this friendship is nurtured well enough, we can actually be pretty close. well, in the end, at the airport, i was one of the two people who teared. and guess what, i already miss her. i may not be exceptionally close close…to her. but i do care about her. well i hope the spices will be stronger and closer with time.

pictures of the SPICES…the people who made school bearable and fun..and beauty in my life.

 

  

         

                   

                     

                    

yeah thats it. i love them…oh man. im sooo sappyy

ruminate:to meditate or muse; ponder, to meditate on; to engage in contemplation; reflect deeply on a subject; “I mulled over the events of the afternoon”; “philosophers have speculated on the question of God for thousands of years”; “The scientist must stop to observe and start to excogitate”

[confessed, but not reformed]

funny, wobbly bits of life

“i cant cycle well. i keep going left and then right (while gesticulating so dgn semangatnye)…”

long pause…

“oh but i do go forward la. just keep going left and right while cycling forward.. (more animated gesticulation)”

“u mean wobbling…”

“yes! wobbling!”

honey, you always manage to hurt my tummy. from laughing too much. you never fail to elicit chortles, yelps, guffaws or the burok snorts from me. for being you. im not laughing at you dear girl. im just laughing because its you.

“its a step. ive been delaying it for quite a while already. cannot procastinate any longer!!”

“procastination…hmm. thats the summary of my life.”

while people laugh and nodded, that is the truth of my life that is as solid as a rock. my life is completely wobbly, with all its unachieved aspirations.

anyway… i wrote an entry minutes ago. but i guess i’ll just saved it and upload it for later date. i dont think im feeling good enough to see it.

another thing, i got a bit scared tadi during lecture. it was actually the main reason why i decide to cabut night lect and go for the ice skating impromptu outing with the girls. it was like at around 4 plus when i felt so breathless. CFJ was talking about some development capacity thing and suddenly i just couldnt breathe. like my ribcage suddenly contracted and became too small for my lungs. i had to think and will myself to breathe the humid air around me. its damn scary! da la the damn air con decide to be sakit jiwa and bi-polar or smth and like, forget her medicine. (why do i refer to any temperamental equipment as a ‘her’, female?)  it was working perfectly well, just NOT at the temperature we wanted, no matter how we jammed our fingers into her buttons that says lower temperature.

how often do you need to tell yourself ,”ok suck in air through the nostrils, let them fill your lungs, then exhale out through your mouth”. lets see… NEVER! it was fucking scary. if i wasnt desperate for air, i would have been convulsing in fear, because i sure did not want to see the malaikat maut. no one around me knew what was happening. apparently CFJ was doing a fantastic job in capturing his students’ attention.

after i regain the control and ability to breathe subconsciously (thats the normal way to breathe), i told myslef i had to go out. get out of that stupid dirty dusty unbreatheable humid lecture room. there was no way im going to sit through another 2 hours of sauna atmosphere and play catching game with air. i need to live.

but then again… i think i knew maybe sauna lecture hall 427 is not really the cause of that fright. im honestly not sure. i dont think it can be that bad, can it?

12 more.

[confessed, but not reformed]