my dear babe, my sweet friend who giggled after each time she sneezed, the cute girl who still slapped her forehead (with such gusto) when she forgot smth, who squinted each time she disagreed with some issue, no matter how trivial.
my dear, ive missed you much these past few months.
its been 100 days since your departure, 100 days since you left us. 100 days since i could no longer hear ur voice, 100 days since you said “hi, wot up” in ur stupid ghetto slang, 100 days since you wrapped your arm around my waist and insisted i stayed on your right side as you pulled me close. i remembered that day when we were at marina square, and i tried to wriggle away from ur side hug, and pulled me back in and said “jap…a little bit more”…i would have given you a lifetime of hugs then if i had known…
its funny how when i tried to picture the sound of your laugh, i cant quite remember it. maybe its cos u have always ketawa angin, with mulut ternganga but no sound escapes…except little cute gasps of air… i adore ur incessant need to tuck and untuck your long fringe from behind your left ear. you will be so bothered if your hair doesnt cover the sides of ur face, cos u said u will look “tembam”. it really doesnt matter babe. you are beautiful the way you are. i love how the corner of ur small eyes wrinkles as you smile or laugh, those sweet small eyes. you’ve always grumbled at the skin folds at the corner of ur eyes, but ive always admired them… i adored how they turn your eyes into lil crescent moons as you smile. those lil imperfections that made you all the more perfect.
i miss our small rituals that we do whenever we meet. how you would touch and play w the corners of my tudung for no reason…and press press my brooch. and i will play with your left earlobe btw my fingers for no reason. we both will show signs of irritation to each other but never told the other to stop. you repeatedly announce to ppl that you know my whole collection of brooches. its always the same grp of ppl my dear, and they dun care. haha. i treasure the breakfasts youve made for me (cos yes, yes, breakfasts the most impt meal of the day), the impromptu meet ups, the void deck surprises, the random 3 minute phonecalls for reasons you claim “just because…”
ive never written a letter to you when youre still alive, ive never listed why i adore, love and cherish you. heck, ive never even given you birthday card. i hope somehow through our short friendship, through my limited means, hard unfeeling exterior, you know how much you mean to me. cos i never knew fully till you left. but then again, ive always been slower than you.
you professed that you never knew the best words, the right vocab, the verbal proficiency, the right inspirational tale, but babe, you were the best chapter in my life. you bring me joy amidst my dullness, you bring me serenity and comfort amidst my pains, you bring me sense when i lost them, you provide the tenderness amidst the chaos, you remind me of the small pockets of happiness when i gave up on the world. and your touches. i have a soft spot for the human touch. you always knew how to hold me. you were generous with your embraces and always you always knew how to radiate comfort to the ppl around you. you love unconditionally, and had a big enough heart to not ever hold a grudge against me no matter how useless a friend i was to you. your hugs have never for a moment felt a bit distanced, or less snug…even after arguments. no matter how many faces i made everytime you held me, ive never once disliked it.
you are capable of holding such high regard and respect for ppl, no matter how they or life treat you unkindly. i can never share your trust in ppl, your faith in humanity. i mock your ingenuos judgements, yet ive always envied how you view the world through your eyes. you sometimes baffle me with your glee, your satisfaction in simplicity, your delight in tiny muses, when in your position, i would have declared contention with god and the world. your silent strength and ceaseless cheer, amazes me, sometimes even compels me to be a better person. the depth of the pain of losing you testifies how huge a chunk of my heart that you have captured. hours, days, weeks, months have passed since you left us, but time has only made it harder for me to breathe each day knowing you are gone. knowing i cant dial that number and await your welcoming hello at the end of the line. knowing that i can no longer see your sweet face. breathe your scent. indulge in your company. have my friend again. ive never liked cliches, mushiness… but sometimes i do relish in the saying that best friends are the siblings god denied us.
i love you my sweet girl, my best friend.
thinking of you,
mash
“If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to before you went away -
If only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to the tune
We played before you went away.
And if I listen to, the sound of white,
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white,
the sound of white.
