just thinking

i am sometimes heartened (?) or kindled (?)…i dunno the proper vocab for this…but im touched by how ppl can be so sweet and kind.
was bitching to mah fren on the phone abt how ive not had a proper home-cooked meal for so SO long cos my mom’s not cooking anymore and i dun cook unless its for fun (n im beginning to think cooking for urself cos ure hungry and theres nothing to eat, is an incredibly sad situation.. so id rather go out)

it was a general complain, and i never complain so ppl will do things for me, but maybe i shud try to do a lil less complaining or maybe tweak my tone a bit frm now on…but my dear W, came by during lunch time with a pack of rice and some lauk daging and kacang panjang…homecooked by her mom. she said it was her mom’s idea. and even tho i was still groggy and unbathed at that time, and im sure still had crusts in my eyes cos i had to drag myself out of bed to the void deck in 1 minute flat, (i conveniently forgotten the need for tudung) i swear…i was like…amazed at how sweet this gesture is. plus even when she has been pre-warned of my kopet-ness, she topped the whole gesture with a hug. and that smile, a friend’s smile.

and that set me thinking. how come im not like that? my whole upbringing has been geared towards self-reliance…self-oriented. though im risking insulting my mom right now, i do notice during my teens, that ive never really been much of a giver or a helper compared to some ppl. cos i was taught ppl shudnt expect help frm others. my mom herself, doesnt offer help to her siblings voluntarily unless they are desperate enough to ask for it. with emphasis on self-reliance, that ‘tough’ attitude, my upbringing has conveniently left out the ‘giving’ characteristic. my parents are not givers, and in fact, i do notice my assholic dad is more of a giver than my mom. he secretly help his friends and siblings, donate to certain ppl once in a while. i cant really blame her tho. she had lead a hard life, and she pulled herself out of crap all this while without ppl’s assistance. her own family wasnt much relief. life taught her to be independent. its this same independence that she expects from others, the same independence she inculcated in me.

ppl who asked for help is deemed weak in her eyes. as if they didnt try hard enough..i used to share her perspective. and my mom has a very cynical attitude as well to the ‘offerers’ of help. like she assumed they would want their budi baik to be rewarded later. so if you receive help frm ppl, you owe them smth and now they have a stake over you which they can take advantage of anytime.

while its a defensive attitude to this whole thing, i think its sad. i think there’s a better way to live our lives than focus on being so calculative and cynical.

besides, i dunno how to be suspicious of that smile that W gave as she handed the packet. besides i love her to death even without that gesture. and besides, i have a soft spot for food. i mean, the way to my heart has always been through my stomach right?

just thinking

of that searing pain, hot metal, and the smell of burnt skin…
for some reason that pain has been inviting, gave some kind of ‘high’.
but its also the juncture where the mind separates from the physical.

was thinking, generally the past week has been pretty good…given the wonderful dinners with my many girlfrends frm bulgoggi to cck and lil india, lunch w an old buddy, those delightful heartenings conversations, and even sightseeing…its a pretty good week.
then why do i look at those healed scars and crave to create more?

of aches, spirituality, rain and some

went to the tassawwuff (im just doubling all the key letters here cos im too lazy to find out the proper spelling) class despite feeling shitty. thought a lil injection of religiosity would do me some good. thought it was a good idea. it wasnt a good idea. made me think too much.

but first lemme complain abt my shoulder aches. my neck, my shoulder…parts of my back…the aches are getting worse. now i dun really like complaining abt aches and pains and stuff… but damn…now the ache has crawled down to my right arm. wad e hell is happening?? i thought aches were suppose to fade with time and get better…not grow and expand!! if i had money, i’ll go for that 28 bucks shoulder massage. damn!! hate HATE being poor. and my mom and me da like strangers cos well im not a good daughter…so i cant ask her to massage my shoulder for me. but den again, i dun like it when she massage me…damn. miss my mommmiieeeee…

i have sudden cravings for ciggy nowadays. finished my pack yesterday. damn these expensive cravings. again. i HATE being poor.

so the class talked about spirituality. kechik wondered wads her spirituality level.this new girl in the class, she baffles me, and scare me quite a bit. cos her train of thoughts, reasonings, were queer to me. and in some ways, overwhelming (?) i dont quite know how to describe it…but im glad H thought it as well. we both think that woman has pretty high spirituality..

so i asked kechik whether she felt close to God. i told her me n God are like strangers. actually thats wrong. he is a stranger to me. so is his beloved messenger. i dunno why many dun seem to verbalise this, but how the hell am i suppose to love someone ‘unseen’. im talking abt Rasulullah (pbuh). yes i can admire, idolise even. but LOVE?? and how the hell am i suppose to love God?? i mean its GOD here. the Big G. the all supreme being,the allmighty, creator of all beings. if im oredi so ’small’ and insignificant in this universe, if im oredi created so limited in my means and functions, how then can i not be too limited, due to my own insignificance, too limited in my essence, be capable of comprehension, be capable of loving smth so complex as God who created me in the first place??
like…human invented a calculator. how can the calculator, which is so limited in its abilities and function, love humans? calculator is build to calculate. it cannot comprehend love. love even beguiles humans. so how can human fall in LOVE with their Creator?

yeah i noe that whole chunk of paragragh can be squashed w “cos God designed humans with the capacity to love Him and his Prophets.”…but …well…lets just leave it at that…”BUT…”. im too tired to continue debating

but i have no doubt im not a stranger to Him. in fact, i feel “observed” all the time. like i know He sees my every move, know my every thought, witnessed my every deed, heard all my pain, gave me all my pleasures and joy…

ppl with a deep connection to God, supposedly can communicate with Him albeit some limitation, “be in His divine presence” (what?), “traverse with God” (again, what??)…have their prayers answered faster than most…”unlock the key to their hearts and realities” (sbdy shout WHAT??)..i dun get it. i really dun. i dont know how to be a servant. i dont know complete submission. my mind cannot consume itself completely with the concept of god and godliness.

k la whatever la…ngantuk nak bebual panjang panjang. i actually still have more issues w akhlak and stuff, but i dun really know how to describe it.

anywayss…todays rain was abolutely beautiful. it was in the sights, the smells, the atmosphere, the temperature, every sensorial reaction the human body is capable of, had a pleasant time…was walking under my brolly towards the lrt when i felt like i wanted to just throw the damn brolly and bask in the rain. was actually jealous of my own feet and ankles that were getting more contact w the rain than the rest of me. the feeling that settled in my heart, was so…calming. so serene. yet enlivening at the same time. plus the fact that it happened at that time of the day made it all the more beautiful. as i watched the rain splashes, the tiny rivers of rainwater as they cascade down from the windows of my cab. how showers of whitish beauty envelopes us..i went into a silent prayer. i dunno what instigated it cos im not that religious. but no thoughts went in my head except appreciating the beauty of it all. but rain had always been special to me since childhood. how it seemed to wash the earth of its grime, its dirt, its sins…the world seemed so much more cleansed, and shining…rejuvenated and given new lease of life… comforting. this particular rain was very comforting to me. i dunno how, but i felt as if my whole essence was rejoicing from its contact with rain. i was thanking the lord for providing me this comfort. for opening my heart to step out of the house to go to class and share the experience of this rain instead of rotting at home on my couch or lamenting infront of my lappie on the kesedihans of my life. thinking of bad things to do w myself. i was quite touched how no matter how neglected i feel frm God, and sometimes even ‘punished’, He was kind enough to grant me this tiny comfort to soothe my heart.

it made so much sense when H told me that our teacher said todays rain was like a “special” rain from the heavens. i dunno the rain’s main purpose, the kind of magical blessing it supposedly carries for some specific situation that only God and his special beings knew. im sure its like some big event..smth in the ‘exclusive’ spiritual realm…..
but all i know, the rain was good to me.

just thinking

of katy perry’s boobs… and jessica biel’s rock hard abs and sexy arms.

of what i should eat later that is tasty enuf for me to finish it? *purse lips….**crickets cricking…**

redbull gives you wings

currently testing whether redbull energy drink is the really the life/energy-giving potion that i need it to be…

met some frens tadi for dinner after. meeting was fun, was smth i needed. aimlesss chatter, silent amusements to each others’ antics. i need regular doses of this. i also need regular doses of sanity. to keep me from doing stuff i shouldnt do. i need a massage too. the base of neck, shoulders, all those area situ situ, have been aching so much these days.
why do god give us muscles in areas of our body that we cant reach to knead them when they sore? leceh benar.

was crossing the road frm the primemart with my precious redbulls. i watched the headlights of the coming car gets larger and blinding as the distance between us narrowed… as i waited by the curb for the speeding car to pass i thought yellow lights in dark surroundings are enchanting eh… i bet half of those hit and run accidents that occur in the middle of the night were intentional.
its inviting really, to take a deep breath and leap into the unsuspecting coming traffic… den POW! drop dead. (think ‘final destination’) of course, ideally you want to terus die from the first instance of impact. if you have to be mangled in slow agony and writhing in excruciating pain with like, your limbs lacerated off and tercampak somewhere…and your intentines happily fermenting in the outside air for the first time and kissing the tarred road…(and dun even let me get started on the skull and brain matter)…the whole slow death thing…well, then that just made the whole fun-leap-into-traffic thing a bit…leceh.

but really, whether u die instantly or slowly after you intentionally leap into the coming traffic, nobody can say you arent fun. i mean, its like the relishing of adrenaline rush when jumping off a cliff…or base jumping, or sky diving, or many adventure sports that require you to make the first step and release…

hmm, too bad these drivers receive punishments for smth they can never avoid… some ppl just wanna have fun
ni la…redbulll punye pasal…

just thinking

i have a certain inferiority complex thing that takes over my entire rational being like a 40-degrees-celcius fever and lack-of-soup when im ‘up against’ (too harsh? perhaps ‘juxtaposed with’ is better) certain ppl.

its been more than 5 goddamn years, mash. Get.Over.It. ONE pathetic guy whose face and personality is only good for wiping your ass loved her over you. no biggie. no reason for you to kiss the ground she walks on. no need for you to feel threatened that all the men youve ever loved will leave you for her. besides AK is not gd enuf for her. whether you care to admit it, AK loves you and has repeatedly convinced you of it. besides, you actually do respect her, admire her.

i think… leaving… loss… thats the main theme that has been consistently running through my life … (at 23?? only now? really?)

yep. thanks god. thank you oh so fucking much.

am i gg to lose my degree too?

just thinking

open mouth, insert huge god-damned foot.

my mind’s similar to daniel ong. he said “my mind works like lightning. one brilliant flash and its gone.”

he said this too: “depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” aint he brilliant… **swoon*

ok, do you think daniel ong will ever like me as much as i like him?

is life really unfair?

“misery loves company”…

i dunno who first made that quote, but a dear friend reminded me of the line today during dinner. it hit home, mcm made me tersedak sikit when i heard it. it brought me back to those days in TJ when i contemplated (too much) on life. i remembered, i was like wad, 17, and i felt this sordid mix of triumph and bitterness when i reached this epiphany…that all my closest friends, or ppl that i admire, are ppl who are fucked up, or had to deal with fucked up lives. and then of course, the supposed ‘epiphany’ was washed down with cold splash of disappointment cos i found out that someone else has already made that same ‘epiphany’, designed some quotes about it, and as usual i didnt get the memo throughout my short 17 years of life… its almost comical when i think about it.

i have loads of isues swirling in my head right now, but its too leceh to sort them out. but the latest thought that came in my head was abt D. D isnt a friend, merely an acquaintance who i am bound to for years due to my association to the same school that she attended.

she is a character that i have quietly disregard, as i could not see many qualities that i respect or desired. i judge ppl. i cant help it. she has her good points, ill admit that much. but her good points were never something i considered significant or meaningful, but instead thought them as superficial ‘talents’. yet, through the years, i have observed that she is always surrounded by love, either from family or friends, and her fate has always been left out of family tragedies, crap, problems, and many things in life that motivate you to kill yourself.

so im thinking, am i missing something here?

if i were to put a value to her, i would reckon that it will be definitely be less than those of my friends. yet, life and fate seem to be on her side. i dunno if im envious of her cos if were to trade any of my close friend for her, i wouldnt. if i were given the impossible chance of trading my character for hers, i honestly wouldnt. as critical as i am about myself, i value certain traits that i have developed and habitualised.

maybe its cos the cliche of “life isnt fair” actually comes to play. or maybe, my system of judgement is totally screwed up and in serious need of rewiring. sssiggghh…

god help me.

(i remembered one night at about 3:20 am, i called azi and her first groggy words were “hi mas…its cold, has it been raining?” …as if its perfectly fine and natural for me to disturb her slumber… not “hey wads wrong u ok?” or “why are you calling me so late?”… i liked that…)

lets just see

describe the week in 6 words: still unable to communicate what i mean…ok i cheated. 7 words. so sue me.

hmm…ive been frequenting one minute blogger these days. love the topics she come out with at times. am surprised by the number of times i was surprised by the unexpected interpretations of the given topics. simple topics like “mess” and “break”. there are some great minds out there… but thats just my opinion. for all you know, the readers are just a bunch of megalodonomaniacs, sick losers with wax crust still dangling btw the eyes and out of nostrils, gypsy-like women with 437 cats. stereotyping is a bitch huh?

whole body esp shoulders ache due to yesterday’s mindless dancing. head throbbing due to repeated poor decisions. heart breaking due to life’s cruel puppet-ing? puppet-eering? ah fuck, whatever.

hmm, these few weeks i seem to be settling into new habits. and these habits are ringing alarm bells in the tiny part of my head that is still..wads e word…dependable (?). honestly, that part of my brain is slowly dissolving, perishing really, everyday. and i dun even think i have the energy to cling on to it like i always do, create a safety bund around it, protect it with armours of prayers, faith and practical routines of life and mirages of happiness through temporary social interaction. even the battery of those same bells is dying out.

i can easily do a self diagnosis, and i think i might actually done it already. but i dunno if i have the commitment to get help.

*smacks lips* lets just see what happens, aite?

sigh im dreading tmw. cant believe im under probation. and kechik is pissing me off w that attitude. fuck.

organised mess

“The cycle of life. There is no stop button, not even a pause…not even a rewind”

i got this rather honest analogy (right word to use?) from a blog. the blogger was someone i used to know. i find her intelligent and quite insightful when it comes to certain perspectives in life. and she knows how to weave words beautifully but simply, to capture the meaning she intended. a talent i have not acquired, apparently. 

i find that sentence so true. so many things pass by you, opportunities that you were briefly aware of, but quickly forgotten and unseized. and the excuse is always the same. out of lazziness and uncertainty or the simple “i-couldnt-be-bothered” attitude. i live my life rather cynically. thinking what may seem as opportunities, will always be brief and end with a disappointment. discrimination prevails. i believe strongly in the term its-too-good-to-be-true or i think i can never be so lucky to get something so great and wonderful. good things are fairytales, or fake facades hiding an evil monster that will devour me soon after. sometimes i wish i should have just adopt a go-getter approach or desensitize myself against the aftershocks of disappointments. i mean really. whats the big if i fail? the end of the world only has one meaning. apocalypse. and thats judgement day and im sure that entails a whole different emotional diarrhoea situation. and FEAR. so comparatively, theres nothing worse than the REAL the end of the world. so if i do fail in a venture, it will NOT be the end of the world. failures should be seen as ordinary as shaving. u face it almost everyday, everyone has to go thru it, and there should be nothing embarassing abt it. failures shud not be perceived like grandma panties. where, every woman has it, every woman KNOWS every other woman has it, every woman needs it, but everyone refuse to admit they have it, because everyone thinks its embarrassing to own it.

oh my god i am sooooo rambling. oh but fuck it. this is MY blog. and im the only one reading it.  the satisfaction!!!

anyway, the thing that triggered this post is cos i always have stuff in my head that i wanna discuss or blog, or things that i wanna do…but they never get done cos i let the chance slipped by. very frustrating. the whole one week break has come to an end and i dont feel i have accomplished anything, when i could have, if i tried harder. but, as usual…sigh. i fucked up.

- ok one, two, three…smile! aaauuuugggghhh…the light! -    

haha. the boyfriend bought a camera recently. fuji 8.2MP… for $299. i still havent decided whether that was a good price or a stupid shopping  decision. but he’s happy. so well, i guess you cant put a price for happiness. my camera has only 6 MP, but its functions were better and it cost less than $200. oh but the batteries are old school, rechargeable AA batts. not the thin heavy carbon-smelling handphone-like batts.  

~love you, forget you not~

i havent dedicate a post/entry in this blog to my boyfriend have i? i mean, im not talki ng about publishing a whole newsletter on him, but at least i shud write about him. explore and write on my experience in this relationship, our dates, how he makes me feels, goals and promises… hmm. i dunno. im not a fan of bloggers who gush incessantly about their oh-so-perfect-so-romantic boyfriends/girlfriends…but i should at least write about him once in awhile. as a testament to what, i havent decide. but it feels only right to mention him sporadically here.

[confessed, but not reformed]