when he’s right, he is still WRONG

ok im putting up so many entries on one day. why? cos im screwing myself up and one of the ways to screw myself is to spend too much on blogging…
anw the bf gave me a lecture. even tho its through sms, i can oredi imagine his jawa pointy-nosed face…with that ridiculous angelina jolie lips pursed into a pout, and his sleepy eyes side-glancing menacingly at me… bloody hell. ok i noe…im wrong, I procastinated, IIII brought this upon myself. III wasted too much time lazing away, meeting ppl, wallowing in unnecessary sorrow…IIIIIII didnt perform in sch to the best i can bla dee blaaa blaaaa… but so? no need to talk down to me right.

its times like this he lecture me down like im his this lil juvenile delinquent younger sister. him, towering over me, wagging his alien long fingers, with me looking down on the floor fiddling w my toes and fingers, looking like that little girl who got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar…

hmmph. my results are still better than yours mr. paralegal. im still smarter than yooooouuu mr. oh-im-so-competent-in-legal-jargon-bluek-taik-ayam….

-___- ugh i hate it when he’s right.

…am damn irritated with myself. why cant there be like 35 hours in a day or smth. i fucking need more time…
and needing more that 8 hours of sleep (1/3 of the WHOLE damn day) doesnt help either…

how to annoy me

block the lrt’s exit with your huge motherass pram (with or without baby in it, regardless the cuteness of that kid) when ppl are alighting. the same “give away to alighting passengers” rule applies to all public transportational modes, idiot!

if the pram’s wheel crush my toes due to your inconsiderate haste to sprint into the train car and CHOPE seat, watch me stuff that baby back into your vagina, lady!

being a procreating woman/man does NOT give you a royalty right of way in public transport … so you fucked your partner and pop out a baby, or imported a kid from china…so you put that kid on an expensive pram thats worth as much as my salary…thats still no excuse to be fucking inconsiderate.

and that baby aint that cute anyway. she looks like you.

trusting you

had a really long sleep.amongst my many many long sleeps. i seem to need more than the usual 8 or 9 hours these days.

woke up to a wet cleansed world, and for a moment thought chilldish, even hopefully, that maybe the world was crying with me. hur hur yeah right.

rain has this intoxicating scent, and thunder its accompanied lullaby. i take comfort in the drumming rhythm of thunder that many kids supposedly are scared of. stupid kids.

sigh,these days this blog seemed to be the only avenue for me to be really honest and feel what i feel…. sometimes i feel really lonely. im blessed with friendships, friendships that i think i can trust, and still trust to this day. but what is trust really? is it smth that we ourselves define and pre-assumed it onto things/relationships that we like. but do we really feel or live up to its true definition? like, for instance, do i trust my own mother? everyone knows at the very least, you gotta trust your own mother. but do i? i mean truly truly trust her? god im not making sense. i cant describe what i mean. blah.

so much for language and communication. shouldnt they teach us “effective communication” early in life, like in primary sch..instead of letting me struggle and scamper around now in my adulthood.

i think– i trust some ppl in my life, but trust doesnt also necessarily include ease. i mean i may not be comfortable pouring my soul to the trusted person. maybe its not abt trust, or the person. maybe its just me. hmmm…fuck the brain. must you brain, work so much when the heart is already doing overtime?!

you noe, when you are feeling shitty, like the whole world just decide to unload its month worth of excrements on you, and then spice it up by throwing buckets of vomit courtesy of those drunkard ahbengs outside zouk (i choose ahbengs cos i really think their puke is worse than the mats), den cap the cherry on top with mother earth with all her lush greenery pointing a long bony finger, laughing at you and say “you stink”…yeah, that kind of moments justify cursing…so youll find every possible way to curse without insulting anyone.

so ill curse through this blog, curse under my breath (not out loud cos im still a anak perempuan melayu, puh), curse in my room, curse through my nicks on msn. cursing does relieve the situation a bit, i dunno why alim ppl discourage you frm cursing, cos if it keeps u sane why not? its like exercise. it keeps your body and mind healthy. its either curse and release tension or dont curse and you see me rocking back and forth in a corner, frothing in the mouth.

yeah…so BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE….

someone’s nick was “happiness is a choice you have to make each day”..when i read it, i went like ‘thanks’…thanks for the stab. happiness isnt a choice. positive thinking is. you can think positively for like wad, 2 hours, be giler giler happy, laugh out loud, but if you come home to an empty house cos the authorities have to auction off your furniture cos of the mounting credit card debts, inexistent parents and the reality of infertility, tell me, are you really happy? can you really be happy? happy ppl are ppl with things going on for them, theyve been blessed, they have ppl who love them, and yes they do have problems but their problems are solvable. their problems dont make them cry every night, their problems dun break their hearts each time they mend it….happiness is smth that you have or you dont. and you got no control of it. positive thinking is just a survival technique, it makes you THINK you are happy. but whether you really are, you’ll know you are. when i googled that same phrase, im reading those typical positive thinking slash inspirational slash i survived a tragedy crap. rather than inspire, they were good targets for ridicule.

50 bucks to those who can tell me whether im happy…

last note b4 my dissertation. i noe i cant stop ppl frm talking to behind my backs, and i noe that ppl who are concern abt me (or just simply kepo), will of course discuss abt my problems amongst themselves. but im in a state right now that…to be honest….very precarious. i hate the idea of pity. i am sadden by the fact that ppl will sms each other and say “oh mash cant do this cos she has this problem”. as in…its sad. stuff that ppl talk abt me are sad things, horrible things. not deprecating things, just sad things. i get it when ppl bitch abt u behind your back. thats…normal. inevitable. but when ppl engage in a reflection of the tragedies in your life..its smth else altogether. when i realised that sad information abt me are being passed ard to ppl, not frm my own mouth, it kinda amplifies how morbid everything is. and i dun think i can handle any worse things than what i see on my plate.

FAIL

its officially my mom’s birthday and i forgot to get her a present. yet i spent over 50 bucks on a gift for a friend who doesnt even care. great. my priorities are fantastically sorted, no? its not a surprise then how i manage to repeatedly fail the ppl i care about.

100 days since i lost azi and to commemorate it i lost another friend. temper, temper.

T once told me, i get angry like a guy, short fused and explosive, but i kiss and make up like a girl. my temper is smth i am strangely proud of, yet loath at the same time. i am proud that its through that same temper that i derive strength. that surging of adrenaline, accelerated pulses of blood racing through your brain, sudden internal fury, explosive energy. it gives me guts, it allowed me to break out of the conventional. it permitted me to fight for my needs, wants, whims. it provide me the room for growth and self discovery. but this temper is from the same dark source inside me that i detest, loath. my temper is like my dad’s. that motherfucking jackassholic creature i have to call a father. whilst i admire the strength, i know only too well the pain of those who fall victim to that same temper. and those who are audience to this temper, are usually those who matter. yup, those who matter.

honestly, im exhausted. im too tired to apologise, too tired to perform damage control. i am done trying to manage what ppl receive from me. im exhausted of smiling, joking ard, and side-stepping of topics that are sensitive. i am tired of pretending that i can handle things, that freezing of facial muscles, that practiced smile to delude others, the fake engineered ‘comfortable gait’ to deceive and disguise the internal vulnerability, the self induced distraction so the tear ducts wont act up, the biting of lips to maintain control, the summoning of will power to remain stable and ‘acceptable’. i am tired of being a daughter, a grand daughter, a student, a young adult, a woman, a single child, a friend, a life. im tired. i wanna resign. i fucking wanna check out.

tadi, coffee bean and some vivo shoppers must have had a hell of time watching this insane woman cry. i cant believe im actually getting used to tearing in public, getting used to ignoring those stares, some concern, some just kepo glances…the humble reception of tissues that were offered, the careless uninhibited sobbing into the night sky. and worse…the sensation that uve used up all ur tears. that ur body no longer has enough resources to produce the required tears to match the pain. then u realise, even ur own body is failing you. just like how uve failed everyone else.

i was done crying and wailing at the night sky and sea at harbourfrt. i decide to ‘return to sanity’ and meet the two girls. whether or not that was a good idea, remains arguable. but i noe, the main push for me to meet them is the resilient conditioning of life that taught you to ‘get up and move on’. cos THATS wad anyone SHOULD do. ppl should not revel in depression, wallow in sorrow longer than normal…but what is normal. what is appropriate. why IS it wrong for me to huddle under the covers and cry into the pillows. ive not done that for so long. i dun miss it, but somehow i think soon im gg to get acquainted with it. oh sweet fate. why do you torture me so?

and kechik?…i give up

.period.

a good advice for ladies: shut your trap when you have your period cos you’re gonna say the wrong thing, at the worst possible time and piss off the wrong ppl .. and yes when i say shut your trap, i mean shut the fuck up, even through sms, twitter, facebook, msn, basically any medium that permits communication…

but of course blogs are fine. hahah.

sheesh. hormones are troublesome. and damn, govt should subsidize the cost of pads, tampons and so on. i mean if the women in the country arent happy, no one will be having a good time.

“It’s that whole menopause thing. They tell you to go on the hormones. They want you to take the male hormones. I’m not doing that, because I know right away it’ll decrease my IQ by half.”
Roseanne Barr

losing smth i never had

AAAAARRGGGGHHHH!!!!

im so frustrated right now! and worse, my rational mind is telling me that its not even my place to feel this way. if only my heart is capable of listening.

what is with me and envy, or jealousy, really? i mean i have a boyfriend for godsakes, and a good stable loving relationship at that. shouldnt that give me some sense of security? shouldnt my normal heterosexual relationship give me enough emotional occupation and happiness? i mean usually, women who are so in love, head over heels with their boyfriends, always chuck their friends aside cos their boyfriend is an enough source of happiness to last many lifetimes. why then am i not like that? why arent i in cloud 9? why am i so dependent on my girl friends for self validation? why do i crave their uncompromised attention? ok, not their, but the special few…why the fuck do i always seek for things that are not meant to be possessed anyway? im twenty fucking three yet i still have problems with this. this unmanageable distress over potential loss of friendships. bodoh bahlul kecidul.

me and my childish rage and paranoia that people will leave. i mean, cant i just live simply and shrug my shoulders when i see my favourite things slowly dissipating and move away from me. wake up mash, its life! god hates you, so He will let good ppl around you to find other good ppl so they can get rid of you and lead better more charming lives. ppl move to bigger better things, greater heights. people have free will, freedom of choice. they can pick whoever they choose. its the natural social order of life.

i mean you cant criticize good taste, right? why cant i handle this with indifference, like “oh. sure. ok. bye! “…

ugrrh, i really need a distraction right now. in need of happy happy thoughts! fun funny videos. if not for youtube, i swear my common sense will be subjugated by my irrational fears. insecure much???

damn cute puppy which made me go aawwww with sickening motherly adoration. cant you just hear that lil white blob grunt with frustration? go lil puppy go! i believe in you!!!

this one elicit a wierd chortle-like sounds from deep within me…hahahaha. that baby knows how to grooove, baby! hahaha. love how he bounced and kicked his legs…hail goddess beyonce. the music is just so addictive too.

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*tick…tick…tick…tick

sighhh. still feeling a bit frustrated. pissed off. need to let off some steam…i’ll go jogging later. maybe physical exertion can eliminate mental lunacy. and irrationality.

god….

close curtain, charade ends. The End.

back from downunder. theres a lot of fucking shit actually that im too fucking tired, too fucking pissed off, too fucking sedih…, too whatever to blog.
whatever is it, the country is beautiful, the ppl are amazing and the cheap accomodation is seriously reasonable and decent. just too bad my heart wasnt in the right place and..uggghhhhh…i just suck k. i am fucking stupid and fucking naive. (fantastic vocab mash, give your stupid self a pat on the back). i should have just jumped.

and what are fantastic remedies for a fucked up life? cats. and babies. gg to meet azi and siput later. will definitely rant my heart out. but first, i need to calm down, so im gg to put up videos featuring…cheng cheng cheng…

cats AND babies!!!!

for my easy access.

i have had enough

uuggghh… ive had enough of projects. and enough of lousy grp mates. granted, in my almost 3 yrs in RE ive been blessed with good friends and mostly hardworking project grp mates. but one of us went on exchange, we had to work with a newcomer. i have tried my very best to be nice and sweet and understanding to her bossy demands, and ludicrous agendas, and keep my opinions to myself and not intentionally hurt the person that pisses me off.. i know the real me isnt. im known for shooting my mouth of, speaking my mind, well more of speaking my heart..cos usually i dun think before i shoot my mouth. but race is a big factor in sch for me. i have held back so much these years, cos i dun wanna be known for that malay girl whos only gd for being loudmouthed and bitchy but never really do work or leech or freeloader. i know im lazy and i know being malay and to succeed i gotta work harder than the rest. but i cant. i dun have that strength or that talent to work harder and smarter than everyone. so, i know i have to maintain low profile, be a that quiet team player who do wad u r told, make constructive opinions now and then and basically dun be the main character in any drama. cos publicity is bad. but sometimes it gets to me… its hard not being urself.i remember that day when i was not feeling too dandy cos of the fight i have with my mom. my thoughts were heavy with the scenes of our fights, and her tears. my heartache. my determination to make things right. my aunt. i was feeling horrible. but instead of resting, squeezing last traces of any tears, clearing my thoughts in a quiet corner and enjoying that intoxicating ciggy, i had a damn project meeting which i was so fucking not interested. it took a huge amt of effort to maintain my facial expression. to look fine. to ensure i can pass off a look that dont promise a “are u ok” question frm my friends later. cos i hate questions like that. i pulled thru. but i felt like shit. crappy century-yr-old shit. sometimes, i feel im losing it. me, my essence, my character…is slowly fadding away frm me. i cant get in touch with her as easily as i used to. ive been so hard on trying to maintain a new character, i have begun to lose my original one. im crapping. but maybe…im not losing..but learning…moulding. growing. maybe its better to embrace this quieter sweeter version of me. maybe its not so bad… 

on another issue. i think yet again ive managed to piss off a fren. i asked my frens are they together yet. i dont understand their relationship. and i dont have a high regard for it because i think commitment is impt. i dunno. its like i get cohabitation. in fact i welcome the idea of living together without that piece of paper that registers you and your partner as legal in the eyes of the social normality. but i believe though marriage may be unnecessary, committment cannot be absent no matter how ‘modern’ or open minded you wanna live ur life. because this involves integrity.

my two friends. they flirt with each other and love each other. they call themselves ‘best friends’ but i know one is IN LOVE with the other. the other one knows of this fact. yet, chooses to acknowledge it but disregard it. and still continue with this ‘best friend’ guise. i know its not my place. ppl say they dun judge but thats a bunch of bullshit. humans cannot remove that instinct of not judging. i judge. and i dun like it. its wrong. its wrong knowing sbdy loves you, yet tell her you cant have that sort of relationship with her, but still practicising that lifestyle where she can feed her emotions for you. thats PLAYING her.thats not respecting her enough. thats being fucking selfish. just because its not a normal relationship, meaning a guy and a girl, doesnt mean the rules are different. if u are playing someone , you are an asshole,  no matter if shes suppose to be a man but shes not! so wad, you can ambiguously flirt all u want under the pathetic pretension of platonic relationship, then one day when u find a male lover, then you decide to render your previous relationship unquestionably just friends. wont her friend feel like shit? cheated? fuck. i know they wanna treasure the friendship. i mean i think they are best friends before lovers. but the u gotta set things straight. you gotta put some boundaries, let time brush away the uninvited feelings completely,dun allow any possibilities or hints of “love”, thenmove on frm there. not flirt, and feed the relationship but put a label on it that says “not lovers, ‘just’ best friends”. if that works, i should fuck ard and put a label on myself “not whore, ’just’ experimenting” ..wud anyone buy it? they fucking wont. and it all boils down to respect. no respect for any other person other than themselves. yet its not surprising as time and again she’s showed herself as someone who is rather spineless.  urgh. i am absolutely disgusted at how they are treating this. i dont fucking give a shit if ive hurt her. i dont even feel i need to apologise because i truly believe she deserves it. if she feels shes been maligned so be it. the words that came from my mouth werent untruths. i might have been malicious, but considering the pain she has inflicted on her ‘best friend’ due to her cowardice and selfishness is far greater that my injurious words on her. she fucking need to grow up instead of thinking everything else will settle by themselves without any proactive efforts from her part. you gotta LIVE ur life. not have other ppl do it for you to waltz thru it. ive never met someone so spoilt. and useless.

so u wanna say “dont”. u shud tell urself “DONT be a fucking wuss”

[confessed, but not reformed]

 

the one with…

THE ONE WITH THE SMELL 

my room stinks. and i cant really locate the source of the stench.

THE ONE WITH THE UNTRUTH 

i made up a huge lie to save my own ass. i just hope the lie wont spin into something so disastrously unmanageable that gets me into the deepest shit that ive never been through. ive been in pretty deep ones, and i know this issue has potential into mutating into smth mega-colossal. itll be like 10000 leagues under the fuck. god oh god oh god…please please save my ungrateful ass again. PLEASE.

THE ONE WITH THE PROCASTINATOR

i have to rewrite an essay and i cant even seem to start. no inspiration.

THE ONE WITH THE NIGHTMARES 

i have a lecturer to meet tmw and im not looking forward to it. in fact this feels like meeting the principal for not doing my head prefect duty. like meeting my form teacher for swearing and using the word ‘bitch’ to my classmate who honestly deserves every meaning of that word. (‘fuck’ wasnt a trend yet) feels like being confronted by my malay teacher for fighting with a bunch of girls. oh god. my primary school nightmares replaying in my head…yeaarrrgggh…spinning…

THE ONE WITH THE BF’s FAMILY

the boyfriend was confronted by his siblings today. he was accused of applying for a flat at sengkang with his girlfriend. cos he was spotted by his sister’s apparently mak joyah friend at hdb HQ toa payoh. siblings got angry cos he’s the only anak lelaki left in the familiy and that title entails a lot of responsibilities that involves financial duty, parents yada yada …badabing badabboong…applying for a flat now is simply a BIG no no. applying for a flat without consulting elder siblings (and getting their approval) is deemed a catastrophy. problem was, the siblings were out of their fucking deranged minds. me and him, as settled as we are, are nowhere near marriage. as so deeply in love we may appear to be, we still have our brains firmly chained in our skulls, thank you. we are friggin in our early twenties, still schooling part-time or not, still not ready for a big hulabalooic permanent full-time-till-eternity-commitment like MARRIAGE. and damn, do they even know their brother at all??? if they did, they would know that he is freaking sensible, (alot more sensible than them at some points), and that financial stability is really impt to him. so the mak-bedah-joyah-kepo-nak-mampos-suka-jaga-tepi-kain-org person saw the wrong couple, gossipped the wrong information. i mean seriously? a young tall dark-skinned man with a minah tudung partner. that description fits 3/4 of the malay couple population lah.

ok even so…receiving an information like that, shud render further probing and perhaps calling the ‘your-own-flesh-and-blood’ brother to confirm the truth cos logic says trust ur own family, not kepo unreliable friends. NOT mobilising half the family to interrogate and scold the brother as if he was hiding spore no. 1 wanted man! and get this, one of the smart ass sister said, if that really happened, she would be highly disappointed in…(ceng ceng ceng) …ME! the gf!!!!! WTF.. ok this require full spelling. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK????

he was expecting she would be disappointed in him…but instead MY NAME was being dragged here. eh first of all, she doesnt even KNOW me. dont even know for certain how i look, how i speak, how i fight back, much less my character. and mcm sial kan, to put expectations on me (cos to be disappointed at me, u have to have place expectations on me first, and to have a degree of expectation on me, u have to know me first, and know the kind of relationship i have with her brother)…seriously… if we did lose our minds and made a decision like those too-young-to-be-married hingus malay lunatics couple and applied for a flat, why shud the expectation fall solely on ME. why be disappointed in me and not HIM. what, just because he’s in love w me, doesnt mean all decisions are made by me! doesnt mean all the thinking done by me! doesnt mean he lost all his individuality, lost all his independent abilities. DOES NOT FUCKING mean all the faults falls on me. harlow??? if we are indeed a going to be married couple, wudnt the man be more in charge?? i mean, what happen to ketua keluarga, syurga di telapak kaki suami etc? i mean fuck gender equality cos thats fairytale cock. we are muslims and the religion place greater regards for men, tanggungjawab, authority and prestige. what happen to all that?? man, im writhing in anger. seriously ah! so angry. mcm yg buruk all me, yg baik all him. pantat ah. pantat kecidol. if only they know how i bitch back. they wud hell know for certain im not marriageable yet. much less want to APPLY for a flat at sengkang.

i dun even like sengkang.

[confessed, but not reformed]