i got a disease

you know smths just not right when you yearn a hug frm your mother but you are actually afraid to ask for it…or you actually believe there’s a chance she wouldnt give you one

nobody talks in this house anymore. nobody does a lot of stuff in this house anymore. but i also i dun wanna ask cos i dun wanna know what happen that day, or the other day, or the other. i dun have the strength to be your punching bag again. its killing you inside cos you think i dun care anymore right?

its a disease. we are all slowly dying frm it. its just a matter of who will succumb to it first.

what lies within

sometimes when i step into someone’s house, i wonder what secret lies between these walls. colours, furnitures, fabrics, decorations, flowers and food are just elements that were carefully selected to create an intended facade. an impression of the home and people within, forced down into the guests.

sometimes, when i care, i make a silent prayer, that this clean beautiful home is an accurate reflection of the people within. blissful hearts, tranquil minds, a happy family, a loving environment.

colourful curtains mask the turmoil within the windows of a home, just like how good eye make up conceal the tired swollen eyes that had been weeping every night.

just like how beautiful garments cloak the physical scars and bruises. just like how a jubilant attitude disguise a tortured soul. just how wacky humourous dancing videos betray the sombre heart.

i scoff at those words above. when did i become so poetic? must jalan raya be so mind exhausting?? and damn, looking at myself at those uploaded pictures and videos, i think, “there, that is one big liar”…and damn those teeth. hate them. hate my fat cheeks and big senget teeth. curse these ali/pe’ah genes.

 
maaf, zahir dan batin, they say to each other as we part.

maaf to my zahir, for not keeping it healthy, unspoiled and unblemished. i cant help it, i dunno.

maaf to my batin, for not emboldening it with faith, strength, love and spirituality.

FAIL

its officially my mom’s birthday and i forgot to get her a present. yet i spent over 50 bucks on a gift for a friend who doesnt even care. great. my priorities are fantastically sorted, no? its not a surprise then how i manage to repeatedly fail the ppl i care about.

100 days since i lost azi and to commemorate it i lost another friend. temper, temper.

T once told me, i get angry like a guy, short fused and explosive, but i kiss and make up like a girl. my temper is smth i am strangely proud of, yet loath at the same time. i am proud that its through that same temper that i derive strength. that surging of adrenaline, accelerated pulses of blood racing through your brain, sudden internal fury, explosive energy. it gives me guts, it allowed me to break out of the conventional. it permitted me to fight for my needs, wants, whims. it provide me the room for growth and self discovery. but this temper is from the same dark source inside me that i detest, loath. my temper is like my dad’s. that motherfucking jackassholic creature i have to call a father. whilst i admire the strength, i know only too well the pain of those who fall victim to that same temper. and those who are audience to this temper, are usually those who matter. yup, those who matter.

honestly, im exhausted. im too tired to apologise, too tired to perform damage control. i am done trying to manage what ppl receive from me. im exhausted of smiling, joking ard, and side-stepping of topics that are sensitive. i am tired of pretending that i can handle things, that freezing of facial muscles, that practiced smile to delude others, the fake engineered ‘comfortable gait’ to deceive and disguise the internal vulnerability, the self induced distraction so the tear ducts wont act up, the biting of lips to maintain control, the summoning of will power to remain stable and ‘acceptable’. i am tired of being a daughter, a grand daughter, a student, a young adult, a woman, a single child, a friend, a life. im tired. i wanna resign. i fucking wanna check out.

tadi, coffee bean and some vivo shoppers must have had a hell of time watching this insane woman cry. i cant believe im actually getting used to tearing in public, getting used to ignoring those stares, some concern, some just kepo glances…the humble reception of tissues that were offered, the careless uninhibited sobbing into the night sky. and worse…the sensation that uve used up all ur tears. that ur body no longer has enough resources to produce the required tears to match the pain. then u realise, even ur own body is failing you. just like how uve failed everyone else.

i was done crying and wailing at the night sky and sea at harbourfrt. i decide to ‘return to sanity’ and meet the two girls. whether or not that was a good idea, remains arguable. but i noe, the main push for me to meet them is the resilient conditioning of life that taught you to ‘get up and move on’. cos THATS wad anyone SHOULD do. ppl should not revel in depression, wallow in sorrow longer than normal…but what is normal. what is appropriate. why IS it wrong for me to huddle under the covers and cry into the pillows. ive not done that for so long. i dun miss it, but somehow i think soon im gg to get acquainted with it. oh sweet fate. why do you torture me so?

and kechik?…i give up

dear azi #2

my dear babe, my sweet friend who giggled after each time she sneezed, the cute girl who still slapped her forehead (with such gusto) when she forgot smth, who squinted each time she disagreed with some issue, no matter how trivial.

my dear, ive missed you much these past few months.

its been 100 days since your departure, 100 days since you left us. 100 days since i could no longer hear ur voice, 100 days since you said “hi, wot up” in ur stupid ghetto slang, 100 days since you wrapped your arm around my waist and insisted i stayed on your right side as you pulled me close. i remembered that day when we were at marina square, and i tried to wriggle away from ur side hug, and pulled me back in and said “jap…a little bit more”…i would have given you a lifetime of hugs then if i had known…

its funny how when i tried to picture the sound of your laugh, i cant quite remember it. maybe its cos u have always ketawa angin, with mulut ternganga but no sound escapes…except little cute gasps of air… i adore ur incessant need to tuck and untuck your long fringe from behind your left ear. you will be so bothered if your hair doesnt cover the sides of ur face, cos u said u will look “tembam”. it really doesnt matter babe. you are beautiful the way you are. i love how the corner of ur small eyes wrinkles as you smile or laugh, those sweet small eyes. you’ve always grumbled at the skin folds at the corner of ur eyes, but ive always admired them… i adored how they turn your eyes into lil crescent moons as you smile. those lil imperfections that made you all the more perfect.

i miss our small rituals that we do whenever we meet. how you would touch and play w the corners of my tudung for no reason…and press press my brooch. and i will play with your left earlobe btw my fingers for no reason. we both will show signs of irritation to each other but never told the other to stop. you repeatedly announce to ppl that you know my whole collection of brooches. its always the same grp of ppl my dear, and they dun care. haha. i treasure the breakfasts youve made for me (cos yes, yes, breakfasts the most impt meal of the day), the impromptu meet ups, the void deck surprises, the random 3 minute phonecalls for reasons you claim “just because…”

ive never written a letter to you when youre still alive, ive never listed why i adore, love and cherish you. heck, ive never even given you birthday card. i hope somehow through our short friendship, through my limited means, hard unfeeling exterior, you know how much you mean to me. cos i never knew fully till you left. but then again, ive always been slower than you.

you professed that you never knew the best words, the right vocab, the verbal proficiency, the right inspirational tale, but babe, you were the best chapter in my life. you bring me joy amidst my dullness, you bring me serenity and comfort amidst my pains, you bring me sense when i lost them, you provide the tenderness amidst the chaos, you remind me of the small pockets of happiness when i gave up on the world. and your touches. i have a soft spot for the human touch. you always knew how to hold me. you were generous with your embraces and always you always knew how to radiate comfort to the ppl around you. you love unconditionally, and had a big enough heart to not ever hold a grudge against me no matter how useless a friend i was to you. your hugs have never for a moment felt a bit distanced, or less snug…even after arguments. no matter how many faces i made everytime you held me, ive never once disliked it.

you are capable of holding such high regard and respect for ppl, no matter how they or life treat you unkindly. i can never share your trust in ppl, your faith in humanity. i mock your ingenuos judgements, yet ive always envied how you view the world through your eyes. you sometimes baffle me with your glee, your satisfaction in simplicity, your delight in tiny muses, when in your position, i would have declared contention with god and the world. your silent strength and ceaseless cheer, amazes me, sometimes even compels me to be a better person. the depth of the pain of losing you testifies how huge a chunk of my heart that you have captured. hours, days, weeks, months have passed since you left us, but time has only made it harder for me to breathe each day knowing you are gone. knowing i cant dial that number and await your welcoming hello at the end of the line. knowing that i can no longer see your sweet face. breathe your scent. indulge in your company. have my friend again. ive never liked cliches, mushiness… but sometimes i do relish in the saying that best friends are the siblings god denied us.

i love you my sweet girl, my best friend.

thinking of you,
mash

“If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to before you went away -
If only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to the tune
We played before you went away.

And if I listen to, the sound of white,
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white,
the sound of white.

lets just see

describe the week in 6 words: still unable to communicate what i mean…ok i cheated. 7 words. so sue me.

hmm…ive been frequenting one minute blogger these days. love the topics she come out with at times. am surprised by the number of times i was surprised by the unexpected interpretations of the given topics. simple topics like “mess” and “break”. there are some great minds out there… but thats just my opinion. for all you know, the readers are just a bunch of megalodonomaniacs, sick losers with wax crust still dangling btw the eyes and out of nostrils, gypsy-like women with 437 cats. stereotyping is a bitch huh?

whole body esp shoulders ache due to yesterday’s mindless dancing. head throbbing due to repeated poor decisions. heart breaking due to life’s cruel puppet-ing? puppet-eering? ah fuck, whatever.

hmm, these few weeks i seem to be settling into new habits. and these habits are ringing alarm bells in the tiny part of my head that is still..wads e word…dependable (?). honestly, that part of my brain is slowly dissolving, perishing really, everyday. and i dun even think i have the energy to cling on to it like i always do, create a safety bund around it, protect it with armours of prayers, faith and practical routines of life and mirages of happiness through temporary social interaction. even the battery of those same bells is dying out.

i can easily do a self diagnosis, and i think i might actually done it already. but i dunno if i have the commitment to get help.

*smacks lips* lets just see what happens, aite?

sigh im dreading tmw. cant believe im under probation. and kechik is pissing me off w that attitude. fuck.

to be sincerely sincere

i need to put more keikhlasan into my actions, my efforts. i need to stop worrying about the outcomes, the possible flak or repercussions. i need to stop the over deliberation on how people will react to my actions.

everything i do seem so calculated. i dont put too much an effort at household chores because i dont want to find an appeal in domestication (cos god forbids if mash becomes wanita melayu terakhir!). i dont want to be too loving to my friends because i dont want to appear too mushy, too kissy-ass, i prefered a tough exterior to a lump of sweet jello, i dont want to work too hard because i dont want to be nerdy. theres so many “i dun wanna do this cos i wanna be this”

seriously, when the hell did i become so stupid? in my fucking desperate attempt to not fall into labels, i have created so many labels for myself. im a victim of myself.

so whats with this sincerity nonsense? well, they are not nonsense. my mama taught me, buat apa apa, hati mesti ikhlas. mesti sincere. do things out of good intentions, for the sake of doing it. not for the recognition. respect your elders, love your family, be nice to friends for the sake of respecting, loving and being nice. NOT for wanting ppl to respect you back, your family to love you and your friends to be nice to you in return. those are bonuses, priviledges, not a right.

honestly, thats probably the biggest most profound, meaning most repeated, lesson my beautiful mom has taught me (amongst the many that she has taught of course, which of course i would vehemently deny in her presence). yes, the same mother that screams bloody murder if i ever disagree with her, spilled gravy onto the stove, left the sink without washing dishes cos SHE left HER dishes in the sink for ME to wash, the same mother who finds glee in using the malay terminology for genitals as often as possible (and ppl wonder why im addicted to porn?). haha i still love that woman no matter how deaf she has made me.

but back to this ikhlas, sincerity thing. simple concept no? wait till i start thinking too much.

ok so doesnt this ikhlas business negates my subscription to the philosophy karma? what goes around come around? if i do good things so will get pahala, and abstain from doing bad things cos that will give me dosa and musibah to befall on me, wheres the keikhlasan really? theres no sincerity what, cos there’s already a given expectation to every action.

i have to admit, most of the time i do good things in the hopes of smth or to adhere to a pre-concieved social rule. to fulfil a duty, to fulfil a responsibility, ‘because thats what friends are for’. now please dont think im this horrible person who actually DONT WANT to do those things. i do, i really do. but in my head that preceeds everything. reason behind actions comes first before actual intentions or consideration. like, why do i study in uni? if i were to be completely honest with myself it’ll be… 1) to get a degree. 2) be a smart-ass so relatives dont step all over me 3) knowledge. see knowledge is kinda last.

yeah so thats how i lead my life. and thats how i actually presumed everyone does too. i didnt know that i actually think that way of ppl. for example if friend A does sweet things to me, say massage, food, gifts, sweet smses.. i silently mock her in my head and say stuff like “she’s just trying to be a sweet friend”…not “she’s a sweet friend” but she’s “TRYING to be a sweet friend” ….i immediately put a selfish spin to their actions. like as if they weren’t SINCERE with me…what the fuck is wrong with me. whats with all my cynical attitude, disparaging motives of others?

and you know what. when i actually want to do good things for the sake of doing good, i get confused. i actually spend a lot of time deciding whether i wanna do things. cos i dun want ppl to think im a charlatan cos its so “out-of-character” for this idiot called mash. like for example, i wanted to bake soft cookies for my friend, cos well i want to. but for some reason i manage to convince myself that thats not really me. like, no, let her other friend shower with sweet loving things, cos the other friend is known for being caring bla bla… cos its not MY role. ROLE you say!!?? what role?! when did some fucking role get bestowed on me? and which mothafucking idiot decide it?

sigh. is there no hope for sincerity in my heart?

i think too much. oh, and i also need to sincerely start doing my dissertation. not for the sake of graduation…nooo…but cos i fucking sincerely want to write 9000 words on something that i am not even sure i sincerely like.

sincerely, mash (?)

man’s best friends

you noe how toddlers have cute lil habits when they are trying to go to sleep?

like for example, ive witnessed two of my baby cousins insisting on scratching their heads or forcing OTHER ppl to scratch their heads as they slowly doze of to la laland. one cutie pulak just has to clasp her two tiny hands around one adult hand and use it as a personal bolster as the sheeps jumps over fences to reach dreamland.

i realised baby animals are just as cute with their idiosyncracies. ive always loved cats, and kittens always insist on licking themselves even though their cute lil cat eyes are so heavy. so adorably degil.

some insist on sitting upright. da tau ngantuk, gi bap lie down tido je la eh? kepala batu force themselves to sit upright even though they are literally swaying into sleep.

and finally the cutest one

oooh this one too!

actually theres many more. these videos are usually my best friends tengah tengah malam when stupid human friends are asleep drooling on their bantal bushok.

just some stuff

exam is one day away and im already getting excited for holidays…typical… exam is one day away and i havent revise…typical. i do this every fucking year…

i dun even noe why im writing when ive got nothing to write about. i dunno. i guess this blog is starting to feel like that imitation tamagochi that i had a long time ago. im no longer interested in it, but somehow i felt that i have a sense of duty to keep it alive and running.

hmmm. past week went by in a flash. all i remember is i religiously filled them up with sleep, vitasoy, tv and project. in that order. hahhaha. talking about project i seriously feel that work load is not distributed evenly this time around. and this sem looks quite bleak for me. i wish i can repeat this whole year all over again. had one particularly disgusting chauvinistic being as a lecturer, one irritating new friend and two tuition jobs. friendship wise, i guess my love for certain people have deepened. whilst some i have intentionally disregard. love life. stable. may be boring at times but i cant deny not loving that man.

tuition has been quite fulfilling. i see some improvement with the girls. hmm. and the $200 bucks for 4 lessons is quite yummy too.  

as for my faith, its not looking too good. actually i can say its the biggest disappointment in my life. im even too embarrased to lay it out in words…i need to do smth about it. fast.

[confessed, but not reformed]

orgasmic blender

i havent blogged in a while. one of the reason is because i am submerged up to my shoulders with projects…haah… i dunno. im not sure as to whether that sentence was said in sarcasm. i have so much to do yet i still find time to squeeze in episodes of Friends, Will and Grace, porn and even develop a new tv series obsession. this time its YURI (its about time knowing my idiosyncracies)..Strawberry Panic!!!! its like sweet cotton candy girls, mesmerizing eyes, delicious-shane-looking women with long fringes that cascade messily but strategically sexy over their faces (or ‘butches’, but i seriously hate that term), strong handsome horses and gorgeous historical buildings all compacted in one orgasmic delirious blender…. plot wise, its not very intellectual or stimulating, and i especially dont fancy high pitched vulnerable voices that japanese anime is so fond of. its gets to me sometimes, till i tear out my hair creating tiny bald patches. ok no. that didnt happen. but at times it is nostril-hair-standing annoying. other than that, we’ve got babelicious Shizuma and handsome Amane to sweeten the whole experience with heavenly royal caramel…and lust…

went home early today cos there was not enough cash to chill at kedai kopi with frens. im pathetically broke AND i owe ppl money. im seriously right on my way to become those druggies with debts keliling pinggang. Mich $10.40, the boyfriend, a kegaziliion bucks. sighhh…funny thing happened just now. i purposely paid cash for 188 to harbourfront cos i know the money left in my ezlink card is only worth one ride, and i have an expensive long train ride home plus LRT. i seriously hate the fact that if you buy the one trip ezlink card from the machine, you have to pay an extra dollar. so if i used cash for train instead, i need to fork our $3.80!! yep, harbourfront to meridian station in punggol cost mega-fucking $2.80. That is worth a meal in school i tell you. ok so i paid cash for bus instead. i mean if i compare $1.30 or $3.80, wont take a genius to figure it out which amt of cash i can afford.

BUT, because i got so lost in my own thoughts during the ride, thanks to 91.3 FM, by the time the bus docks in the interchange, i completely forgot i paid cash. so by clockwork behaviour, i whipped out my ezlink and tapped. mcm konon nak tap out. and i did it INFRONT of the bus driver. obviously the stupid tapping machine wont be able to discriminate a forgetful idiot who already paid cash from someone who did not tap his card. so, as expected,  the damn blue machine wailed as if it detected a handgun hidden beneath my clothes. you know those damn tapping machines? the sound they make, that loud piercing “toot-toot-toot-toot-toot”, so loud that it may pierce the synapses in your brains. i always imagine bright revolving red lights flashing all over the bus, and the SWAT team busrting through the windows of the bus, out all purposeful to capture me, the commuter who set off the detector, the second the tapping machine wailed. haha. wild. i know. i seriously think SBS should rethink the tapping machines. maybe modify it abit. i mean, the warning alarms it makes, does it need to be so loud and capture the attention of the whole bus? so highly embarassing. only the bus driver needs to be notified that a passenger hadnt paid what. why should it turn into a humilating circus show for public transport commuters. blearrgh. 

ok. after that embarassing episode, i was lucky to look up to the sky…man, the beauty. breath-taking sight. though it comically remind me of the golden crust of apple-peach crumble cake my frens and i made. heh. i’ll upload the pictures later.

there is this person that i am increasingly disliking though she’s been a friend for so many years. i need to sit down and reintrospect the matter. i need to know whether its due to my own personal flaws, or just her lack of respect for other ppl other than herself. sigh. another day. i have no time for that now.

[confessed, but not reformed]

dialling for insanity

no. of words in an essay for submission : more than 1200 intelligent and coherent words

no. of coffee cups i’ve guzzled in the last 24 hrs : 6 (whooopieeedoo)

no. of hours of sleep ive got : 4

no. of lengthy reports i need to present in tmw’s meeting : 2  (and not 1 is even complete)

no. of choc chipsmore cookies i’ve devoured : a whole pkt or 20 cookies

no. of times ive sidetracked and watched porn or will and grace instead : 8

no. of nails i’ve bitten/chewed : 6

no. of sch days i’ve skipped : 129876t52345

no. of hours left till i gotta leave home for meeting : 7

no. of times ive changed underwear/clothes since sunday : 0 ZEEEERRRROOOO

no. of times i’ve burst out laughing for no apparent reason : 2…hheeeeheeee 

no. of time left till i go insane : ooooh abt 2 min 37 seconds

toodlesss

[confessed, but not reformed]