damn! stumbled upon this and im brought back to the past… (finally getting the hang of linking and unlinking things)

woah…the secrets of my heart…im getting fond of this blog…

and wad e hell is wrong w everyone? talking in circles and skipping steps? or is the part of my brain that deals w comprehension is shutting down permanently…
i think i screwed up smth again but im not even sure wad. i dun even noe wads the expected social rule here. mcm terpinga pinga at one corner. i shud just staple my lips and cut my fingers cos i seem to step toes everytime i communicate. shut up shut up shut up shut up.

thinking that since i kinda like pain and scars n all, dun u think a TATTOO is a completely aesthetic solution to my problem??

or maybe i shudnt consider it at all cos i still hope to make it into heaven and there is a slight possibility that the Lord wont let my dad in.

decisions decisions.

anw my friend emailed me the hari raya pics. then there were some shots of her and her younger sis which i took. there were so much joy in those pics. i remembered laughing till my sides hurt trying to get those two to pose properly. i sometimes wonder, how much different would my life be if mushfirah is still around. if my dad hadnt fucked up and kept my sister alive. i hate being an only child.

having a damn accurate ‘gut feeling’.

i mean, when i found out abt smth smth tadi, i went like “i knew it!!”….hmmm…with years, they’ve only seem to grow sharper. but why my intuition is honed at those particular areas, still baffles me… what am i seeking here? what am i unsatisfied with?

sbdy said “anger is love disappointed”…how true.

i am sometimes heartened (?) or kindled (?)…i dunno the proper vocab for this…but im touched by how ppl can be so sweet and kind.
was bitching to mah fren on the phone abt how ive not had a proper home-cooked meal for so SO long cos my mom’s not cooking anymore and i dun cook unless its for fun (n im beginning to think cooking for urself cos ure hungry and theres nothing to eat, is an incredibly sad situation.. so id rather go out)

it was a general complain, and i never complain so ppl will do things for me, but maybe i shud try to do a lil less complaining or maybe tweak my tone a bit frm now on…but my dear W, came by during lunch time with a pack of rice and some lauk daging and kacang panjang…homecooked by her mom. she said it was her mom’s idea. and even tho i was still groggy and unbathed at that time, and im sure still had crusts in my eyes cos i had to drag myself out of bed to the void deck in 1 minute flat, (i conveniently forgotten the need for tudung) i swear…i was like…amazed at how sweet this gesture is. plus even when she has been pre-warned of my kopet-ness, she topped the whole gesture with a hug. and that smile, a friend’s smile.

and that set me thinking. how come im not like that? my whole upbringing has been geared towards self-reliance…self-oriented. though im risking insulting my mom right now, i do notice during my teens, that ive never really been much of a giver or a helper compared to some ppl. cos i was taught ppl shudnt expect help frm others. my mom herself, doesnt offer help to her siblings voluntarily unless they are desperate enough to ask for it. with emphasis on self-reliance, that ‘tough’ attitude, my upbringing has conveniently left out the ‘giving’ characteristic. my parents are not givers, and in fact, i do notice my assholic dad is more of a giver than my mom. he secretly help his friends and siblings, donate to certain ppl once in a while. i cant really blame her tho. she had lead a hard life, and she pulled herself out of crap all this while without ppl’s assistance. her own family wasnt much relief. life taught her to be independent. its this same independence that she expects from others, the same independence she inculcated in me.

ppl who asked for help is deemed weak in her eyes. as if they didnt try hard enough..i used to share her perspective. and my mom has a very cynical attitude as well to the ‘offerers’ of help. like she assumed they would want their budi baik to be rewarded later. so if you receive help frm ppl, you owe them smth and now they have a stake over you which they can take advantage of anytime.

while its a defensive attitude to this whole thing, i think its sad. i think there’s a better way to live our lives than focus on being so calculative and cynical.

besides, i dunno how to be suspicious of that smile that W gave as she handed the packet. besides i love her to death even without that gesture. and besides, i have a soft spot for food. i mean, the way to my heart has always been through my stomach right?

of that searing pain, hot metal, and the smell of burnt skin…
for some reason that pain has been inviting, gave some kind of ‘high’.
but its also the juncture where the mind separates from the physical.

was thinking, generally the past week has been pretty good…given the wonderful dinners with my many girlfrends frm bulgoggi to cck and lil india, lunch w an old buddy, those delightful heartenings conversations, and even sightseeing…its a pretty good week.
then why do i look at those healed scars and crave to create more?

did some cycling w kechik tadi. well, ’some’ is an undestatement of the week seh! am suprised at how ‘on’ she is abt all this. went to all of the places ive been before with some ppl. i thot it was gg to be hard tho. ive had some good times w azi in some of those places. sigh, i love sungei punggol. i did avoid certain spots tho that invoke some kind of memory w her, for fear all falling into despondency. wudnt be fair to kechik. but i was glad both girls had diff rhythms, diff tastes..in spots, locations. both of which i was happy to oblige. things that clicked w kechik were diff from things that clicked w azi. and things that clicked w siput were COMPLETELY different frm things that click w NORMAL ppl. haha. but i still havent found someone who shares the same enthusiasm on scenery, colours, textures… i dunno. im weird

we also attempted kite flying. it didnt fly. pun intended. heh. i think sometimes, fun needs to be in moderation.

but i have to admit though, i had some reservations abt it. though i love that tiny (tiny!) girl to death, and im watching silently, how our friendship have grown and blossomed, im holding my breath the whole time…im quite well aware how fragile this friendship is actually. how easily all of this can be destroyed within such a short time, erasing and negating all the good times, rendering all of them a waste of time ad energy, turning all the good feelings into regret or worse, hate. i dunno why i worry so much, but im just waiting, waiting to see when she will get tired, burdened and disgusted. and sometimes i can find myself testing her…to see if she pulls away… ppl say i should put in more trust, have more faith. but its not that i dun have trust in them. i just know who i am.

i go through this same process with everyone have a connection with. the special few. for fear of losing them, i will maintain those i love within a safety of a group, so that therell be enough dynamics and distractions, so it will slow the process of them, figuring out that im too much to handle. the grp provide enough ‘otherness’ while i can still enjoy my time w the few in the sidelines. ppl leave, its my life. ..azi i guess, was the only breakthrough. she was the only one who figured me out, the only one who convinced me had enough strength, had enough tenacity… too bad she din have enough life.

maybe im too into myself here, too self-centred. self-oriented. me me me. but i cant help it. akhlak. its the right thing to do. i tarnish, i stain, i burden. and i want good things to happen to ppl i care about. i dun want them to be troubled. life i cant control. but me, i have a bit of control.

but for kechik, the grp thing isnt as strong. frm the first birth of our friendship if i can recall, has always been a one-on-one thing. siput, and n…it was group, and then indiv selection. m and n, c…hmmm.

i need to stop theorising and just live life. but i also need to create a buffer for expected future pains.

(my shoulders hurt…. help )

went to the tassawwuff (im just doubling all the key letters here cos im too lazy to find out the proper spelling) class despite feeling shitty. thought a lil injection of religiosity would do me some good. thought it was a good idea. it wasnt a good idea. made me think too much.

but first lemme complain abt my shoulder aches. my neck, my shoulder…parts of my back…the aches are getting worse. now i dun really like complaining abt aches and pains and stuff… but damn…now the ache has crawled down to my right arm. wad e hell is happening?? i thought aches were suppose to fade with time and get better…not grow and expand!! if i had money, i’ll go for that 28 bucks shoulder massage. damn!! hate HATE being poor. and my mom and me da like strangers cos well im not a good daughter…so i cant ask her to massage my shoulder for me. but den again, i dun like it when she massage me…damn. miss my mommmiieeeee…

i have sudden cravings for ciggy nowadays. finished my pack yesterday. damn these expensive cravings. again. i HATE being poor.

so the class talked about spirituality. kechik wondered wads her spirituality level.this new girl in the class, she baffles me, and scare me quite a bit. cos her train of thoughts, reasonings, were queer to me. and in some ways, overwhelming (?) i dont quite know how to describe it…but im glad H thought it as well. we both think that woman has pretty high spirituality..

so i asked kechik whether she felt close to God. i told her me n God are like strangers. actually thats wrong. he is a stranger to me. so is his beloved messenger. i dunno why many dun seem to verbalise this, but how the hell am i suppose to love someone ‘unseen’. im talking abt Rasulullah (pbuh). yes i can admire, idolise even. but LOVE?? and how the hell am i suppose to love God?? i mean its GOD here. the Big G. the all supreme being,the allmighty, creator of all beings. if im oredi so ’small’ and insignificant in this universe, if im oredi created so limited in my means and functions, how then can i not be too limited, due to my own insignificance, too limited in my essence, be capable of comprehension, be capable of loving smth so complex as God who created me in the first place??
like…human invented a calculator. how can the calculator, which is so limited in its abilities and function, love humans? calculator is build to calculate. it cannot comprehend love. love even beguiles humans. so how can human fall in LOVE with their Creator?

yeah i noe that whole chunk of paragragh can be squashed w “cos God designed humans with the capacity to love Him and his Prophets.”…but …well…lets just leave it at that…”BUT…”. im too tired to continue debating

but i have no doubt im not a stranger to Him. in fact, i feel “observed” all the time. like i know He sees my every move, know my every thought, witnessed my every deed, heard all my pain, gave me all my pleasures and joy…

ppl with a deep connection to God, supposedly can communicate with Him albeit some limitation, “be in His divine presence” (what?), “traverse with God” (again, what??)…have their prayers answered faster than most…”unlock the key to their hearts and realities” (sbdy shout WHAT??)..i dun get it. i really dun. i dont know how to be a servant. i dont know complete submission. my mind cannot consume itself completely with the concept of god and godliness.

k la whatever la…ngantuk nak bebual panjang panjang. i actually still have more issues w akhlak and stuff, but i dun really know how to describe it.

anywayss…todays rain was abolutely beautiful. it was in the sights, the smells, the atmosphere, the temperature, every sensorial reaction the human body is capable of, had a pleasant time…was walking under my brolly towards the lrt when i felt like i wanted to just throw the damn brolly and bask in the rain. was actually jealous of my own feet and ankles that were getting more contact w the rain than the rest of me. the feeling that settled in my heart, was so…calming. so serene. yet enlivening at the same time. plus the fact that it happened at that time of the day made it all the more beautiful. as i watched the rain splashes, the tiny rivers of rainwater as they cascade down from the windows of my cab. how showers of whitish beauty envelopes us..i went into a silent prayer. i dunno what instigated it cos im not that religious. but no thoughts went in my head except appreciating the beauty of it all. but rain had always been special to me since childhood. how it seemed to wash the earth of its grime, its dirt, its sins…the world seemed so much more cleansed, and shining…rejuvenated and given new lease of life… comforting. this particular rain was very comforting to me. i dunno how, but i felt as if my whole essence was rejoicing from its contact with rain. i was thanking the lord for providing me this comfort. for opening my heart to step out of the house to go to class and share the experience of this rain instead of rotting at home on my couch or lamenting infront of my lappie on the kesedihans of my life. thinking of bad things to do w myself. i was quite touched how no matter how neglected i feel frm God, and sometimes even ‘punished’, He was kind enough to grant me this tiny comfort to soothe my heart.

it made so much sense when H told me that our teacher said todays rain was like a “special” rain from the heavens. i dunno the rain’s main purpose, the kind of magical blessing it supposedly carries for some specific situation that only God and his special beings knew. im sure its like some big event..smth in the ‘exclusive’ spiritual realm…..
but all i know, the rain was good to me.

i want to bury my face on your shoulder, breathe the scent of your hair and… cry….i wish i could touch you again. i wish i could still call you friend. i’d give anything… yeah i noe those last three sentences were from pink’s who knew song, but they never really meant much to me until you passed. i had to skip that song frm my mp3 everytime it appeared on the shuffle mode now…babe where you…

i think its hormones again. dun have my usual strength at composing myself. feeling more vulnerable than usual. feeling as crappy as last week’s laundry thats like rotting/moulding at the corner of my room. its home for this cicak that has JUST MOVED into my room. shows how bad i am at cleaning these days…
journey in bus no. 3 tonight was a torture. my eyes moistening, tears collecting at the bottom eyelids, threatening to drip and meander down my cheeks. had to stare hard at the scenery outside, willing the tears to stop, the cold air to evaporate them before they can stain my face. a few ppl looked at me, saw my red eyes. dead giveaway. curse these honest eyes. they gave me that curious expression, then out of courtesy, looked away. gave me space. then steal glances at me occasionally to see if ive broken down. as if after i got down from the bus, they gonna congregate and pay or collect money from their bets on me. “see! i BET she could hold it.” “damn, i thot she will blow after 6 minutes, tops.”

babe, i miss you. i need a hug.. no. i need many many many hugs. i dunno who to mintak. i never had a problem asking you for peluks. you stretched out your arms willingly and envelope me without making me feel needy. “mas, you dun malu malu mintak k”…

…comfort. babe, you were my source of comfort. of tenderness. of love.

recently, ppl around me kept talking about death, tahlils, people passing, losing loved ones, losing friends… some adopted an ‘all-knowing’ tone. some discussed the topic objectively. some were genuinely in pain, or in shock….thing is…is the whole world conspiring against me or smth? sensitive topic ppl! i noe ppl dun have a duty over me. they are not responsible for my feelings, my pain. they shouldnt bite their words JUST because MASH lost someone. but, can the world be a little bit kinder here?

F is arranging a tahlil for you soon. on the 137th day since you left us. it has already been 123 days. F said, cos 137 was your favourite number. i didnt know that. she looked at me querulously, as if saying “how the hell can you NOT know? i thought YOU were CLOSE to her??” i felt attacked. i felt as if i didnt live up to expectations,like i failed smth. i felt smth im so familiar with these days…but that F was smth. she just had to handle everything, cos she knows everything..i know im border-lining childish rage right now but i think one of these days shes gg to see my ringed-fingered fist slamming into her face.

but then again, i failed you in so many ways, din i, my dear? i searched our old blog for the number 137…you mentioned it ONCE, three years ago…how did F remember it? how come im always faced with repeated dawns of realization that im incapable of loving properly? i dont pay enough attention to details that normal ppl would care about. i dont make the people i love, happy often enough. i dont say or do nice sweet things to the ppl i love, often enough. i dont take care of their feelings well enough. i dont care enough. how come no one taught me all this social behaviour. why am i so lousy? i have love incompetency. and babe, you left even before giving me a chance to learn all of that.

im not even sure i will come to that damn tahlil. at least i will baca yaasin for you weekly. some of those girls cant even read yaasin so wads the point really? congregate and eat..? then go to kedai kopi bawah ur house to share jokes and gossip? i hate tahlils.
ive been avoiding our friends these days. replying their smses with short phrases. i cant bear to hang out with them cos i will reminisce abt you. i can so picture how reactions would be like, your facial expressions, how you interact with the different personalities in our group. how you tolerated me, or other meaner ppl ard you. you were kind..and so soo humble. i never felt patronized by you. you never boasted on your strengths, your patience…you never had that been-there-done-that tone. hmm…”kind and humble” someone said.

it hurts. dear azi, this hurts.

of katy perry’s boobs… and jessica biel’s rock hard abs and sexy arms.

of what i should eat later that is tasty enuf for me to finish it? *purse lips….**crickets cricking…**

back from J’s place. J cooked! sswweeeet lil thinggg. havent seen these bitches for the longest time! im beginning to think that i have pretty good looking bunch of frens. their relaxed smiles, cheek creases, twinkling eyes, mobile eyebrows (haha)…i have gorgeous friends really. i cant name one friend that i think is not gorgeous. everyone…so pretty…so…sempurna…none of them sored my eyes, whereas my own reflection draws a curse from me daily.

anw…the atmosphere was so lovely. you noe that saying…smth about when ure in good company it feels as if angels are playing music ard you? or smth like that…haha. but whatever it is, there were good feelings radiating in that cck flat. you noe you’re surrounded by love when someone says “can i chain all of us together so we dun have to separate?”

***cue for “aaaaawwwww…..” (eksyen me just sniggered, when in fact i wanted to run over to her n squeeeze her)

so bloody cute. must be genes. i bet you she’s half bunny. i noe her dad’s cantonese…and i think her mum is some cute bunny breed..dun ask me how, but to be that cute, you cant be entirely human.