02Aug09
decided to put this page in as a reminder to myself
the song from creed, one last breath, always hit me with this guilt. i dunno if its the words of the song, which honestly are quite simple in its illustration attempt, or if its actually emanating from within me, my own memories that triggered that same lump-in-throat feeling each time i heard the melody
***
i want to remember the crashing foaming waves against the beautiful grey rocks
i want to remember the persistent sharp wind that drowns out my breath, my voice, my words,
as if stealing them from my gaping mouth even before i could speak them,
i want to remember the chill of the air, so cold, so icy, that made me feel as if smth inside me had sunk,
the same chill that stung, yet felt so welcoming, rejuvenating even
i want to remember the delusion that made a mockery of distance,
that convinced me that it really wasnt so high up, or so far down
i want to remember the detached sensation from my physical body, that the hair strands that were dancing against my face from the wind, werent really my hair, and my face my skin, werent really mine
i want to remember the silhouette of my friends as i watch their backs, their small motions, their whispering conversations,
their careless oblivion to my thoughts
i want to remember the scent of the rock as i lay my face near it and breathed its age
i want to remember the abrasion against my skin as i ran my fingers on the rock’s surfaces and the edge,
the same surface i thought was the starting point of my next journey
i want to remember how insidiously calming it was, to think that the decision was so alluringly right
i want to remember how beautiful it felt, how freeing it felt when i thought i can finally release myself from reality
***
i want to remember how not a day passes that i dont yearn for that moment
i want to remember that it hasnt happen
i want to believe that i shouldnt
i want to believe that i made the right choice
